The Comedian's
Notebook VIII
by M. V.
Montgomery
The old saying “History
is the story of events” may be commonly
attributed to Cotton Mather, but it’s not
100% Cotton Mather.
Was worried I might have
early onset Alzheimer’s, but then the doc
told me not to flatter myself, I wasn’t that
young.
I suffer from Exertion-Induced
Tourette’s.
You say diviss-iv and I say
device-iv.
Ordered you a new Brett
Favre razor for Christmas, but it kept getting
intercepted in the mail.
Toward more picturesque
speech: “Coffee as rich as potting soil.”
“Don’t be a Lucy Excusey.” “Rise
and shine, Eisenstein.”
Just what kind of sports
can a person play in a sportscoat?
A lightweight men’s
jacket made of pure polyester is a dangerous
thing to wear around a fireplace. Ergo, it is
known as a blazer.
Surrealist Scenario 1:
Walking down the street, seeing a manhole cover
labeled SEWER: “That’s where Betsy Ross
is buried!”
Surrealist Scenario 2: At
the DMV, a young woman comes up to show off her
bouquet of flowers: “Pretty aren’t they?”
“Yes, but please no budding in line.”
In the spirit of
celebrating what one cannot control, there should
be an annual holiday for homeowners like me who’ve
had giant sinkholes open up in their yards. Call
it Sinkhole de Mayo.
Hello, old chum. Seriously,
you smell like old chum.
Did you say I was your next
of kin, or your Mexican?
Set my GPS to the female
voice option because I don’t want some dude
to know I need directions.
I miss Gene Wilder but like
to think he’s riding the great glass
elevator to heaven.
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