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The Comedian's Notebook VIII
by M. V. Montgomery

The old saying “History is the story of events” may be commonly attributed to Cotton Mather, but it’s not 100% Cotton Mather.

Was worried I might have early onset Alzheimer’s, but then the doc told me not to flatter myself, I wasn’t that young.

I suffer from Exertion-Induced Tourette’s.

You say diviss-iv and I say device-iv.

Ordered you a new Brett Favre razor for Christmas, but it kept getting intercepted in the mail.

Toward more picturesque speech: “Coffee as rich as potting soil.” “Don’t be a Lucy Excusey.” “Rise and shine, Eisenstein.”

Just what kind of sports can a person play in a sportscoat?

A lightweight men’s jacket made of pure polyester is a dangerous thing to wear around a fireplace. Ergo, it is known as a blazer.

Surrealist Scenario 1: Walking down the street, seeing a manhole cover labeled SEWER: “That’s where Betsy Ross is buried!”

Surrealist Scenario 2: At the DMV, a young woman comes up to show off her bouquet of flowers: “Pretty aren’t they?” “Yes, but please no budding in line.”

In the spirit of celebrating what one cannot control, there should be an annual holiday for homeowners like me who’ve had giant sinkholes open up in their yards. Call it Sinkhole de Mayo.

Hello, old chum. Seriously, you smell like old chum.

Did you say I was your next of kin, or your Mexican?

Set my GPS to the female voice option because I don’t want some dude to know I need directions.

I miss Gene Wilder but like to think he’s riding the great glass elevator to heaven.