The Comedian's
Notebook VI
by M. V.
Montgomery
Yellow cake uranium isn’t
as delicious as it sounds.
I knew she and I were not
going to get along. Her comfort animal was a
fox, and mine was a chicken.
My hairstyle would seem
classier if pronounced mul-lait rather
than “mullet.”
A rugby ball would be Tom
Brady’s worst nightmare.
Beware of any giveaways (brides
especially).
Your joy is infectious, but
over the years, I’ve developed a lot of
antibodies.
Where do educated hippos
hang out? On the hippocampus.
Thanks. You’re a
gentleman and a scallop.
Massive Perturber = one of
the criteria for a planet. Also you, at the
moment.
One shot of Jim Beam, one
shot of scotch, and some 7-Up: the “Beam Me
Up Scottie.”
Sometimes I can make a pig
of myself, but I’m not Hogzilla.
From the list of Failed
Christmas Carols: “We’ll light a big
fire in the fireplace, Santa, as we wait around
for you.”
From the list of Deep South
Necessities: shoe baggies and eatin’ papers.
Shoe baggies are what you pull over your work
boots when you come inside, and eatin’
papers allow you to hold onto your sandwich
without greasing up your hand.
The Ivy League is an
illogical place to attend school, if the criteria
for admission is to demonstrate one has the
equivalent of a college education already.
Don’t deny my card, yo.
I want to drive somewhere
downtown and park, just so I can feel validated.
Since 99% of the DNA in our
bodies is bacterial, really it’s our biomes
that deserve all the credit.
Kids who can’t color
in the lines seem like they would grow up to be
dangerous drivers.
Twitter is the greatest
invention ever for spreading gossip.
I may not be handy with a
chainsaw, but I do have a lumbering walk.
The only purpose served by
junk mail is to show you whether the mail came.
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