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The Comedian's Notebook VI
by M. V. Montgomery

Yellow cake uranium isn’t as delicious as it sounds.

I knew she and I were not going to get along. Her comfort animal was a fox, and mine was a chicken.

My hairstyle would seem classier if pronounced mul-lait rather than “mullet.”

A rugby ball would be Tom Brady’s worst nightmare.

Beware of any giveaways (brides especially).

Your joy is infectious, but over the years, I’ve developed a lot of antibodies.

Where do educated hippos hang out? On the hippocampus.

Thanks. You’re a gentleman and a scallop.

Massive Perturber = one of the criteria for a planet. Also you, at the moment.

One shot of Jim Beam, one shot of scotch, and some 7-Up: the “Beam Me Up Scottie.”

Sometimes I can make a pig of myself, but I’m not Hogzilla.

From the list of Failed Christmas Carols: “We’ll light a big fire in the fireplace, Santa, as we wait around for you.”

From the list of Deep South Necessities: shoe baggies and eatin’ papers. Shoe baggies are what you pull over your work boots when you come inside, and eatin’ papers allow you to hold onto your sandwich without greasing up your hand.

The Ivy League is an illogical place to attend school, if the criteria for admission is to demonstrate one has the equivalent of a college education already.

Don’t deny my card, yo. 

I want to drive somewhere downtown and park, just so I can feel validated. 

Since 99% of the DNA in our bodies is bacterial, really it’s our biomes that deserve all the credit.

Kids who can’t color in the lines seem like they would grow up to be dangerous drivers.

Twitter is the greatest invention ever for spreading gossip.

I may not be handy with a chainsaw, but I do have a lumbering walk.

The only purpose served by junk mail is to show you whether the mail came.