The Comedian's
Notebook V
by M. V.
Montgomery
Chickens lay, People lie.
And that's why people are more wicked than
chickens.
If you could see yourself
as others see you…you’d be a
contortionist.
I’m getting to that
age where one of the most important
considerations has to be, “What sort of a
skeleton am I going to leave behind for posterity?”
It’s true that my frame has become calcified
around the neck, lumbar, and knees; but still, I
haven’t broken a hip or major bone. I’ve
had enough dental work that my grin would startle,
but not really scare. And I’ve spent so long
in academia that I could probably continue on in
an anatomy class as a teaching display, earning
what little money I could for my future
grandchildren.
Picnic at Hanging Rock,
A Cry in the Dark, Strangerland. The
Australians sure love them some movies about
disappearing children.
Of course I liked the Go-Gos,
but the Bangles could blow them off the stage.
“99 bottles of
nonalcoholic beverages on the wall, 99 bottles of
nonalcoholic beverages.” Just toning it down
for a road trip with my kid.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Murder at the
Theatre
“I think one of the
actors did it,” said the Producer.
“No, I’m pretty sure that the Director
did it,” said the Wardrobe Manager.
“You’re right!” agreed Inspector
Silihew immediately.
Question: Why did Inspector Silihew
agree with the Wardrobe Manager?
Answer: Because the costumer is always
right.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I Bid Thee Good
Night
“I’ve caught the
clap,” she confessed. “And also, I have
gas.”
“Just my luck!” I lamented. “Gonorrhea
with the wind!”
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Cribbage is such a mild-mannered
card game that I feel it would be improved by
taunting. Such as:
“I’ll fifteen-four and fifteen-deep six
ya”;
“You need to use Mapquest to find out what
street you’re on”;
“You’ll be crying like a baby when you
see my crib.”
New state slogan. Florida:
“Georgia’s Wang.”
Online promo for English
teacher: “I can help you make language your
bitch.”
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The Birdman
Tweets Back
“Are you really sure
no one can swim away from Alcatraz?”
“Yes, that’s my inescapable conclusion.”
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Coffee: wakie-uppy juice.
Whiskey: puttie-sleepy juice.
It’s just plain wrong
to be against Adam and Steve, or Madam and Eve.
Cinderella’s Irregular
Day: She swept, leant, crept, knelt, felt, wept,
and slept.
As I age, I find myself
more and more frequently bowing to pee-er
pressure.
Often I have to get up in the middle of the night
to succumb to pee-er pressure.
I’m a little dyslexic.
Also, I like to eat in front of the TV. So every
time the ad for “Home Fires” comes on,
I suddenly become hungry for home fries.
Haiku: After the rainstorm,/Drops
fall softly fall from branches./ I call it: tree
pee.
History is always changing.
Eating too many hot dogs
can give you mustard gas.
Sometimes life is like a K-Pop
video I just don’t feel happy enough to
watch.
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