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The Comedian's Notebook IV
by M. V. Montgomery

I never clean my glasses. I like to be able to give other people dirty looks.

I know what the word “disgruntled” means, but how did one get gruntled in the first place?

Hollywood Law # 147.6: No matter how many seconds apart characters parachute out of a plane or planes, they will always end up within arm’s length of each other.

Travel Tip #12: When on your dinner date in Paris, be careful not to confuse these: j’ai faim, je t’aime.

I fought the lawn and the lawn won.

I’ve been in so many traffic accidents, I’m like a Kim Car-Crashian.

Working out is overrated. Why go to all that trouble to develop a “six-pack” when you can walk around with a keg?

How come at airports people will hold up a sign for you, but not twirl it? Wouldn’t that really show someone else that you cared?

I always feel uncomfortable when I’m saying goodbye to someone who says, “Be Well.” It seems so…bossy. When someone tells me to “Be well,” I want to reply, “Stop ordering me around.”

I also never know what to think when people sign an email with “Best.” Just one word, Best. That could stand for anything — “Best in Show,” “Best Thing Since Sliced Bread,” or “Best of Both Worlds.” Well, that last one wouldn’t be so bad. Best of Both Worlds to Ye, too.

When it comes to marriage, you have to learn to separate the milestones from the millstones.

Phrase to shut someone up: Muzzle tov!

Fear of dying from infection: Suppuration Anxiety.

I like to mix canned tuna and canned chicken together to make chicken of the sea.

I tend to use a lot of elbow room at the table. I like to sway when I’m eating something good.

My 20-word screenplay: HUNTER #1: “Feel like a little hunting today, old sport?” HUNTER #2: “Certainly, I’m game.” So Hunter #1 shoots him.

My acting has been described as “wooden,” but just wait. Someday, I may be asked to play Pinocchio.

Dude, you are not really wearing that hat to the beach! It’s like, fifty shades of gay.

It’s OK to be a nerd. You know you can never lose your cool.

Can’t wait till I retire so I can finally get rid of some things around the house and start clearing me some dying space.