The Comedian's
Notebook IV
by M. V.
Montgomery
I never clean my glasses. I
like to be able to give other people dirty looks.
I know what the word “disgruntled”
means, but how did one get gruntled in the first
place?
Hollywood Law # 147.6: No
matter how many seconds apart characters
parachute out of a plane or planes, they will
always end up within arm’s length of each
other.
Travel Tip #12: When on
your dinner date in Paris, be careful not to
confuse these: j’ai faim, je t’aime.
I fought the lawn and the
lawn won.
I’ve been in so many
traffic accidents, I’m like a Kim Car-Crashian.
Working out is overrated.
Why go to all that trouble to develop a “six-pack”
when you can walk around with a keg?
How come at airports people
will hold up a sign for you, but not twirl it?
Wouldn’t that really show someone else that
you cared?
I always feel uncomfortable
when I’m saying goodbye to someone who says,
“Be Well.” It seems so…bossy. When
someone tells me to “Be well,” I want
to reply, “Stop ordering me around.”
I also never know what to
think when people sign an email with “Best.”
Just one word, Best. That could stand for
anything — “Best in Show,” “Best
Thing Since Sliced Bread,” or “Best of
Both Worlds.” Well, that last one wouldn’t
be so bad. Best of Both Worlds to Ye, too.
When it comes to marriage,
you have to learn to separate the milestones from
the millstones.
Phrase to shut someone up:
Muzzle tov!
Fear of dying from
infection: Suppuration Anxiety.
I like to mix canned tuna
and canned chicken together to make chicken of
the sea.
I tend to use a lot of
elbow room at the table. I like to sway when I’m
eating something good.
My 20-word screenplay:
HUNTER #1: “Feel like a little hunting today,
old sport?” HUNTER #2: “Certainly, I’m
game.” So Hunter #1 shoots him.
My acting has been
described as “wooden,” but just wait.
Someday, I may be asked to play Pinocchio.
Dude, you are not really
wearing that hat to the beach! It’s like,
fifty shades of gay.
It’s OK to be a nerd.
You know you can never lose your cool.
Can’t wait till I
retire so I can finally get rid of some things
around the house and start clearing me some dying
space.
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