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The Comedian's Notebook III
by M. V. Montgomery

If you microwave spaghetti squash long enough, it will explode, becoming confetti squash.

How many Millennials does it take to change a lightbulb? Five. One to post a picture of the burned out lightbulb on Instagram, one to get the word out on Facebook and Twitter, one to raise the money through a Crowdfunding campaign, one to order a new lightbulb through Amazon, and finally, one to update the lightbulb’s status from “burned out” to “fixed.”

Burying a fat person is a big undertaking.

Nothing like good old flammable pajamas to keep oneself warm.

If you play too much Bach, does it become Offenbach? Just what is the cutoff?

Telling a good joke is largely a matter of knowing what funny phrases you can use on others. For example, ISIS, a priest, and a rabbi invaded Iraq. It burned villages to the ground and left a trail of destruction behind: What’s up with that? And tortured resisters. That’s what she said. Can’t you hear the difference between that and a dry news report???

I both like and am bananas.

“Ah, yes,” he said, placing his palm on his pupil’s head. “You have a fine hard skull.”

The page you are looking for no longer exists. Whenever you click on this prompt, the page reloads. Whoa! God-like!

Schrödinger’s paper towel paradox: if you are wiping a counter with a paper towel but having trouble removing some grit, you sink your fingernail into the top of the towel and really dig in. So from one perspective, you are using the paper towel to clean the counter, but from another, you are using your fingernail!!! Both are right.

My state of Georgia recently resumed its execution of mentally challenged criminals. It’s our only sure-fire way of raising our test scores.

Last night I rented a DVD, and before it started, previews came on for Mad Max, Godzilla, a Twister-like movie, a Batman movie, and a Planet of the Apes movie. I had thought I was behind in my movie viewing—but actually, I was way ahead.

It seems to me that a flesh-eating bacterium becoming friends with a brain-eating amoeba would make for a rather touching children’s story.

Hey, Marshawn Lynch. A spoiled athlete says, “You know why I’m here”?

My favorite knight of the round table is Surrealism.

Tell your teen in that loaded-down vehicle leaving for college to drive carful-ly.

I wish my name was DeJohn. Then people could call me The Mustard Man.