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The Comedian's Notebook II
by M. V. Montgomery

Ran into Sisyphus the other day. Told him,“You rock, man.”

How come everyone has to be either a morning or an evening person? Where are all the mid-day people when these surveys are being done? Taking a siesta?

To help create a more festive mood at the office, I will go to the closet where we keep the new folders, pens, and paper, pull open the door suddenly, and yell, “Supplies!”

I don’t think they emptied our garbages last night, said one of my colleagues. I don’t think they’ve emptied our garbage all week, replied another. All right, you two, I interrupted. Enough with the trash talk.

My vision is becoming a little blurry lately. I’m afraid I might have Eye-bola.

Thank god, my ears were plugged up on the plane so I didn’t have to listen to anyone.

The accepted test to see how redneck an area you live in is to leave your broken mower out by the street with a sign on it reading, “FREE.”If it’s still there the next morning and the neighbors are starting to glare in your direction, congratulations: you live in a nice place. If the broken mower is gone the next morning—well OK then, your neighbors won’t expect you to stand on ceremony. If the broken mower is gone ten minutes after you leave it there, wuh-oh, Junior! Better keep an eye on those property values.

Some of my elderly relatives forward me so much junk e-mail that I have a file called “Spamily.”

My older brother has won Peabody awards, but I tell him, big deal. When are you going to bring home the Sherman?

Can’t believe you threw my milk away, dude! Sure, it was past the “sell by” date, but it hadn’t yet reached the “smell by” date.

Cabbage should come with a warning: “Cooking this vegetable may cause your whole house to smell like diapers.”

Retracing the stages of evolution each day as I get up out of bed and slowly stand upright.

Oh, exponential growth. Why, that’s one of the fastest kinds of growth there is!

The new Minnesota football stadium looks like a combination of a Viking ship and a Best Buy.

In Korea, it is much easier to be named after both the sun and the moon.

TV commercials for HDTV are kind of a paradox. If you don’t have an HDTV, you won’t be able to watch the ad in HD to appreciate what the new product can do. Only thing is, when I see those ads, they always look really good on my old, low-def TV. How can this be? Do HDTV companies have the power to grant my set extra-receptive powers just for their ads?

Couldn’t afford to see a psychologist, so I went to Subway to consult a sandwich specialist.

The glint of gold on the horizon this morning only a discarded wrapper.

The perfect annulus of a Krispy Kreme doughnut.

Lookit you. Strutting around like you got a choc-lit in your pocket.

Sometimes you buy a packaged salad at the store and it will say “prewashed.” You’d think that the opposite of “prewashed” would be “unwashed,” so how come other packages are never labeled “unwashed”? Instead, it will say, “Always wash produce before eating.” Not only can’t they get to the point, but they have to give you a lecture.

Woke up feeling so tired today, had to wonder if Bill Cosby might have slipped me a mickey.

You really put the color in colorectal surgery, doc.

To someone with a too-flashy smile: Could you coffee up those teeth a little?

Classic argument ad ignorantiam: “I don’t snore.”

Everyone should learn a little Latin because once you know the roots of the language, you can pick up so many words! For example, did you know “mal” means bad and “mar” means sea? So the true meaning of a Mallomar is a “bad sea” cookie. Amazing, right?

Got a job yet? No, but I just had a productive cough.

I’m a grill watcher.

Leaving my lawyer’s office: See you later, litigator.

Sorry for those puns. I’ve been diagnosed with me-so-silly-oma.