The Comedian's
Notebook II
by M. V.
Montgomery
Ran into
Sisyphus the other day. Told him,“You rock,
man.”
How come
everyone has to be either a morning or an evening
person? Where are all the mid-day people when
these surveys are being done? Taking a siesta?
To help
create a more festive mood at the office, I will
go to the closet where we keep the new folders,
pens, and paper, pull open the door suddenly, and
yell, “Supplies!”
I don’t
think they emptied our garbages last night,
said one of my colleagues. I don’t think
they’ve emptied our garbage all week,
replied another. All right, you two, I
interrupted. Enough with the trash talk.
My
vision is becoming a little blurry lately. I’m
afraid I might have Eye-bola.
Thank
god, my ears were plugged up on the plane so I
didn’t have to listen to anyone.
The
accepted test to see how redneck an area you live
in is to leave your broken mower out by the
street with a sign on it reading, “FREE.”If
it’s still there the next morning and the
neighbors are starting to glare in your direction,
congratulations: you live in a nice place. If the
broken mower is gone the next morning—well
OK then, your neighbors won’t expect you to
stand on ceremony. If the broken mower is gone
ten minutes after you leave it there, wuh-oh,
Junior! Better keep an eye on those property
values.
Some of
my elderly relatives forward me so much junk e-mail
that I have a file called “Spamily.”
My older
brother has won Peabody awards, but I tell him,
big deal. When are you going to bring home the
Sherman?
Can’t
believe you threw my milk away, dude! Sure, it
was past the “sell by” date, but it
hadn’t yet reached the “smell by”
date.
Cabbage
should come with a warning: “Cooking this
vegetable may cause your whole house to smell
like diapers.”
Retracing
the stages of evolution each day as I get up out
of bed and slowly stand upright.
Oh, exponential
growth. Why, that’s one of the fastest kinds
of growth there is!
The new
Minnesota football stadium looks like a
combination of a Viking ship and a Best Buy.
In Korea,
it is much easier to be named after both the sun
and the moon.
TV
commercials for HDTV are kind of a paradox. If
you don’t have an HDTV, you won’t be
able to watch the ad in HD to appreciate what the
new product can do. Only thing is, when I see
those ads, they always look really good on my old,
low-def TV. How can this be? Do HDTV companies
have the power to grant my set extra-receptive
powers just for their ads?
Couldn’t
afford to see a psychologist, so I went to Subway
to consult a sandwich specialist.
The
glint of gold on the horizon this morning only a
discarded wrapper.
The perfect annulus of a Krispy
Kreme doughnut.
Lookit you. Strutting around like
you got a choc-lit in your pocket.
Sometimes you buy a packaged salad
at the store and it will say “prewashed.”
You’d think that the opposite of “prewashed”
would be “unwashed,” so how come other
packages are never labeled “unwashed”?
Instead, it will say, “Always wash produce
before eating.” Not only can’t they get
to the point, but they have to give you a lecture.
Woke up feeling so tired today, had
to wonder if Bill Cosby might have slipped me a
mickey.
You really put the color in
colorectal surgery, doc.
To someone with a too-flashy smile:
Could you coffee up those teeth a little?
Classic argument ad ignorantiam:
“I don’t snore.”
Everyone should learn a little Latin
because once you know the roots of the language,
you can pick up so many words! For example, did
you know “mal” means bad and “mar”
means sea? So the true meaning of a Mallomar is a
“bad sea” cookie. Amazing, right?
Got a job yet? No, but I just had a
productive cough.
I’m a grill watcher.
Leaving my lawyer’s office: See
you later, litigator.
Sorry for those puns. I’ve been
diagnosed with me-so-silly-oma.
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