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The Comedian's Notebook XI
by M. V. Montgomery

The arm bone’s connected to the hand bone, the hand bone’s connected to the cell phone.

It’s true what they say—age is only a number. It’s just that, at my age, they assign you a very high number that reminds you you’re going to die.

It would be great if at my retirement party, my colleagues said, “He gave this place all he had for so many years!” But it would be even better if they said, “I can’t believe that son of a b - - - - managed to retire so early!”

It's kind of funny when you hear that NFL players who kneel during the National Anthem are "taking a stand."

I don’t think that Chevy should use its red bowtie racing logo with the flames coming out of it. It looks too much like a dashboard signal warning you your engine is on fire.

Was sure I’d stumbled onto a Russian propaganda site the other day. It purported to reveal the IQs of famous people and listed a score of 154 for Donald Trump, who in all likelihood would struggle to keep pace with Paris Hilton (120). Trump’s score was the third listed, and that would be exactly the place to put it: not so far in anyone would lose interest or grow frustrated with the pop-ups; far enough in to use one other politician as a measuring stick — Oxford-educated Bill Clinton, with a reputation for smarts (IQ 148), and who has, unlike Trump, probably been tested.

A gentleman who lived in the town of Nantucket was rather keen on pursuing his own pleasure.
He took a positive attitude toward cleaning up and had a most amusing attraction to his own ear.

February 14th marks the death of St. Valentine, who was beaten, stoned, and beheaded. It’s our annual reminder that love will hurt us, knock us off our feet, and cause us to lose our heads.

Can’t wear a necklace if you’re neckless. Sorry, sometimes when you feel like saying something stupid, you just have to go for it.

Cell phones are essentially premature aging devices. They reduce a person’s attention span and memory. They may cause blurred vision, hearing loss, and even wrinkled and spotted skin. They have even been clinically linked to arthritis and brain cell decay. So I don’t think I should be blamed for not answering my phone—it really wouldn’t take that many calls to finish me off.

If Fe is the chemical symbol for iron, then a female is an iron man.

Something eerie about hitting “Reply All” in a message chain that includes oneself.

Life on social media is nasty, brutish, and short.

Oscar Wilde said, “Why was I born with such contemporaries?” Oscar Madison said, “It takes two to make a rotten marriage.” Oscar the Grouch said, “Let a frown be your umbrella.” Don’t you just love the Oscars?

Hate it, hate it when people whistle at you to get your attention. I want to tell them, “You don’t have to live like a referee.”