by M. V.
I like Chihuahuas, just have never
found a good recipe for them.
Probably no one in the whole history
of the human race is as good at avoiding
hyperbole as me.
Sometimes I feel like such a loser
that Ill order something off Amazon just to
experience checkout success.
Some people say watching a solar
eclipse is a spiritual experience because it
makes them feel smaller, but I
suspect its the sun shrinking that makes
them feel more god-like.
Just where are all the Jehovah
Witnesses when you need them at a crime scene?
She and I were just too different.
She was a ducks-in-a-row kind of person, and I
was all about exploring my inner duck.
Im a Child of the 60s,
which means I wasnt a hippie my
babysitters were. Theyd say things like,
I dont want to sound like Im
freaking out or going on a power trip, or in any
way discouraging you from chasing your dreams,
little man, but itd be groovy if you called
off your Apollo launches from the
couch and we could have a serious rap session
about your bedtime.
My late New Years resolution
is to try to avoid saying anything negative about
the President. He may be just as tactless,
dimwitted, and childishly self-centered as Boris
Yeltsin but darn it, hes our Boris
Dog ate your term paper? How does
that even happen? Did you use Purina font?
There is a market for grief
counseling, but it will never put chocolate out
Hugh Heffner has left us for that
great Playboy mansion in the sky but if he
winds up in Hell, hes already got the
Monte Hall's death shows us that
life really does work like "Let's Make a
Deal": We have to struggle to open doors,
sometimes coming out ahead and sometimes not, but
sooner or later, we're all going to get zonked.
Transcript of my TED Talk titled,
How to Spend Your Life: (1) First 20
years, figure out what youre going to do. (2)
Next 40 years, do it. (3) Last 20 years, think
about what you just did. [Note: copies of this
TED Talk are available for $19.95.]
My cousin the prison guard is
staying with me next week. Youll have to
meet him; hes quite a captivating fellow.
Got sick from a melon: It was
definitely a honeydont.