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The Comedian's Notebook X
by M. V. Montgomery

I like Chihuahuas, just have never found a good recipe for them.

Probably no one in the whole history of the human race is as good at avoiding hyperbole as me.

Sometimes I feel like such a loser that I’ll order something off Amazon just to experience “checkout success.”

Some people say watching a solar eclipse is a spiritual experience because it makes them “feel smaller”, but I suspect it’s the sun shrinking that makes them feel more god-like.

Just where are all the Jehovah Witnesses when you need them at a crime scene?

She and I were just too different. She was a ducks-in-a-row kind of person, and I was all about exploring my inner duck.

I’m a “Child of the 60’s”, which means I wasn’t a hippie — my babysitters were. They’d say things like, “I don’t want to sound like I’m freaking out or going on a power trip, or in any way discouraging you from chasing your dreams, little man, but it’d be groovy if you called off your “Apollo launches” from the couch and we could have a serious rap session about your bedtime.”

My late New Year’s resolution is to try to avoid saying anything negative about the President. He may be just as tactless, dimwitted, and childishly self-centered as Boris Yeltsin — but darn it, he’s our Boris Yeltsin.

Dog ate your term paper? How does that even happen? Did you use Purina font?

There is a market for grief counseling, but it will never put chocolate out of business.

Hugh Heffner has left us for that great Playboy mansion in the sky — but if he winds up in Hell, he’s already got the smoking jacket.

Monte Hall's death shows us that life really does work like "Let's Make a Deal": We have to struggle to open doors, sometimes coming out ahead and sometimes not, but sooner or later, we're all going to get zonked.

Transcript of my TED Talk titled, “How to Spend Your Life”: (1) First 20 years, figure out what you’re going to do. (2) Next 40 years, do it. (3) Last 20 years, think about what you just did. [Note: copies of this TED Talk are available for $19.95.]

My cousin the prison guard is staying with me next week. You’ll have to meet him; he’s quite a captivating fellow.

Got sick from a melon: It was definitely a honeydon’t.