by M. V.
Some of my best ideas come
to me while Im out cutting my grass. So if
anyone out there is stuck for ideas, they should
come over to cut my grass, too.
Is that anti-acting spray
they use on players at the World Cup?
Ouch. That German player
took one right in the kindermaker.
Cant watch any more
Donald Sterling interviewsIm worried
his face is going to break.
with it. Does that mean you are done, or
For some reason, people are
always asking me what MV stands for.
Mind you, I didnt pick up a lot of physics
in school, but thats an easy one: Mass x
I couldnt tell you if
that movie last night was a tragedy
or a drama. For me, it was more like
It would be funny if
comedians who are just starting out got to
practice on cadavers. Talk about valuable
training for dealing with a dead crowd.
Making the motion you make
with the tool when you are trying to find a tool.
Id like to create a
character known as the Pollen Detective. Hes
able, once a year, to follow the traces of a
suspect anywhere. And looks like the Invisible
Man wearing hat, scarf, dark glasses.
Or, you could have a story
about a dream detective who is able to identify
all the suspects in his dream because they are
all himself. Whoa, dude!
It would be horrible if a
vampire tried to convert you in Iceland in June.
One hour or less of darkness? Seriously, you
couldnt work in those conditions.
Sadly, Ill never be
arrested on suspicion of being the Slender Man.
Im obese, but not
morbidly so. I try to maintain a positive
I could work out, but Im
just too afraid of becoming an exercise addict.
Thats a flattering
sweater. No I didnt say flatteningnot
Ouch! I was just undressing
you with my eyes, and a button mustve
scratched a cornea.
No, not for me,
I politely declined. Im not a fan of
reading romances, breakup storiesany of
that turgid, emotional stuff. Oh, sorry. Were you
offering me Chic-lets?
Gosh, I miss the desert. If
you are going there, please hug a cactus for me.
In my language, ears shall
henceforth be known as the leaves of the
The kind of person who sees
the toxic lining in every silver cloud.
A professor once pulled
from his pocket some wadded-up pieces of paper he
claimed were novel ideas that hed carried
around with him for years, until theyd
hardened into paper pills. But I knew
the guyprobably all those supposedly great
ideas of his would turn out to be placebos.
That would be a great idea
for a candy: Placebos. Placebos, the sugar
candy that not only makes you feel better, but
actually does make you better 10% of the
Social networks are the new
royal flatterers, the yes men.
We speak of intestinal
fortitude, having the stomach
for things, and even of stirring up courage
in ones bowels. You might think
Id be making fun of that, but no. Im
actually thinking of joining the Bowel Movement.
I complained of loose
stools at the bar, and the bartender handed me a
screwdriver. My god, thats a double-double
A blown kiss opportunity. No
How many gnats can screw in
a light bulb?
Fun Activity: create your
own horror movie soundtrack. Someone does the
baby crying, and others pick from the machine saw,
animal howl, strange echo, chanted nursery rhyme,
and ghostly why? All at once, now!
Virulent in e-mail
strands can have three meanings. Much
viewed, actually containing a virus,
or angry. Possibly a fourth meaning,
too, if youve never cleaned your keyboard.
The prisoners have a sense
of humor in your state! I saw license plates
beginning with PIG, PEE, POO, and PFF as I drove
Like to bite my toast into
the shape of Minnesota.
My summer stigmata of wasp
stings and poison ivy scratches.
Not on Twitter, but
sometimes Im on the shitter.
Test-tube babies: vial
Porn name: Christopher
I heard a commentator state
that watching porn is the equivalent of seeing
pictures of food w/o eating anything. But it
seems to me its more like viewing pictures
of food with a beef jerky.
Im not a scientist, I just purport to
know more than scientists on scientific matters.
Ted Cruz: legislator who
tries to adjudicate from the pit.
Tell me, how do you get
your art nutrients? Perhaps an étude, Bruté?
Does putting ones art
on display make one an exhibitionist?
straight from the get-go. Hamletbreaking
Ophelia, I feel ya.
Im not really reading
the classics lately, just genre mongering.
Ishiguros narrator in
Come Rain or Come Shine: like poor
Bertie Wooster without a Jeeves.
I love David Foster Wallace,
but the guy used way too many possessives
and not enough contractions. If an expectant
mothers contractions were that far apart,
you wouldnt bother driving her to the
Id like to write my
own book of jokes called Infinite Larfs.
If I opened an ice cream
store, Id call it May, June, Gelato.
If Id a bulldog, I
should name him Chuffington. I think the name
rather suits him, dont you? Eh? Halloo
After age 50: there are the
can-runs and the cant-runs.
Happy half a hundred to you,
Cant complain, still
Please, coyotes, eat that
yapping Benji dog outside my window.
Reading before bed is like
seeding the clouds.
Im-a gotta siesta,