Soccer Moms of
by Con Chapman
A mother handed her son his
shield and exhorted him: Return from battle
either with this, or upon it.
Plutarch, Sayings of
A Spartan soccer mom, sending her
son off to battle against the Framingham Mini-Mites,
handed him his shin guards and said Come
off the pitch with these, or on them.
Another, when her daughter limped to
the bench after being kicked in the shins during
a Kinder Kick 3-on-3 soccer game, said
Where are fleeing to, you sorry runaway?
Trying to crawl back in here, where you came from?
She then yanked up her stylish skirt with
adjustable side belt to reveal her 100% cotton
boy sprained his ankle during a CYO basketball
game. His mother stopped the coach from consoling
him, telling the boy You should be ashamed
to ask for an Ace bandage, like an old woman in a
boy hesitated before diving into the pool to take
his beginners swim test. His mother, seeing
his fear, pushed him in with her foot saying
Do not ask me for a Grape Slurpee when you
emerge, you coward, unless you swim to the other
boy was struck in the face by a pitch during a
Little League game. When he began to cry, his
mother shouted from the stands Crying is
for babies! Take your place in the batters
box, bad seed of mine! Do not invoke your right
to go to first base without earning it by a hit!
girl was asked to spell accelerator
in a seventh-grade spelling bee. She asked
Use in a sentence, please. Her mother
stopped the nun who began to accommodate her,
saying She knows what an accelerator is.
She has seen memany timesstep down
upon it so as to beat the yellow light on the way
to her ballet lessons!
boy received a B on his science project, a papier
mache volcano. On the ride home his mother
excoriated him. For generations, your
forefathers have received As on projects
ranging from How We See Colors to
What Makes the Wind Blow. You will
have no ice cream tonight, you miserable cur!
defeat in a Pop Warner Football Game, the father
of a boy on the winning team taunted the losers.
Maybe you guys should stick to soccer,
he said contemptuously.
mother, hearing his calumny, threw her Diet Coke
into his face, saying I wouldnt screw
you for practice, you impotent fishstick!
mother watched her sons team lose the
championship game in a hockey tournament. When
the boy presented her with his Runner-Up trophy,
she dashed it to the ground and spat on it.
How could I have given birth to such a
worthless thing! she screamed. You
who are satisfied with second place!