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Notes To Self
by M. V. Montgomery

As ye sew, so shall ye rip.

Why in the world would anyone bother to make a sequel to It? That movie was just pennywise and clown-foolish.

A sequel can be as good as the original, but it can never be as original as the original.

When the census takers ask you what race you belong to, is it wrong to answer, “human”?

Some people are white and some are balsamic, when it comes to vinegar.

I understand from the song “If You’re Happy and You Know It,” I’m supposed to “Do all three,” but I can never remember what the three things are.

And I’m a failure at the Hokey-Pokey because when it comes time to put my “Whole Self In,” I always feel uncomfortable with that level of commitment.

Why did the pirate scientist wear two eye patches? He wanted to conduct a double-blind study.

Taking attendance at Bible school: Abraham? Present. Moses? Present. Jesus? Omnipresent.

Not necessarily a comfort to say, “God looks down on us.”

I’ve heard of the One That Got Away but that fish is the One You Gotta Weigh!

I wanted to catch Richard Serra’s famous painting series “Equals” at the Hiram Butler Gallery, but by the time I got there, the censors had redacted it.

You can track down most anything on Bing if you type “Google” into the search bar first.

My Health Care Plan? My health care plan is to feign unconsciousness during the ambulance ride and later claim that the paramedics kidnapped me.

I thought that a film about on drug abuse in Appalachia suffered from meth-head acting.

In A Quiet Place, the rule is "No Speaking." In Bird Box, the rule is, "No Peeking."  My first reaction was shock that Hollywood didn't go for the whole Wise Monkey trilogy.  Then I thought, wait, they probably did.  Sure enough, there was a 2014 movie called Hear No Evil

Twin City Federal’s old Tuckabuckadayaway tribe was not a federally recognized tribe.

My neighbor: "It is freezing outside!   I had to bundle up like an Eskimo!" Me:  "Yes.  When the truly cold weather comes, you've just got to get Inuit."

My choice of name for a bike shop: Bespoken Bicycles.

Long beard up front, shaved head in back – Good God, I think we’ve finally ushered in the age of the front-mullet!

Sometimes a nickname can become a curse, as in the sad case of stock car driver Edward Glenn “Fireball” Roberts. Sometimes down south the smell of flowering honeysuckle is so sweet and strong that you worry it could send you into a diabetic coma

My shutdown rap: “A government shutdown, it’s a big letdown. / Trump’s all braggadocio, wants to wall off Mexico. / Can’t care for the people here, too in love with Vladimir.”

When I die, who will house my residential library?

Knock-knock, who’s there. Urinal. Urinal who? Urinal heap o’ trouble, boy.

Tried to cash a reality check at my bank, but they wouldn’t take it.

Tried to subtext, couldn’t pick up an underwater signal.