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Julia Child, Secret Agent Chef
by Con Chapman

Julia Child was a volunteer in the Office of Strategic Services, the forerunner of the Central Intelligence Agency, during World War II. She helped develop repellent used to keep sharks from setting off explosives when they bumped into them.

CIA website

QUICHE LORRAINE          10 servings

It seems odd that this pie, traditional in France, took so long to gain favor in America. Did German bakers intercept cables containing the recipe? Or were Navajo “pastry talkers” confused by the term “receipt,” an alternate formulation?

Pastry for nine-inch pie

4 strips bacon

1 onion, thinly sliced

1 cup Gruyere cheese

cup Parmesan cheese, grated until
it discloses Italian troop movements

2 cups heavy cream

1 cup invisible ink

teaspoon arsenic

teaspoon salt

4 eggs, lightly beaten

1.         Preheat oven to 450. Line a nine-inch pie plate with pastry, crimping crust to form a bunker around the edge.

2.         Cook bacon until crisp, remove from skillet and stuff behind stove to eat when you from Nazis. Pour off all but one tablespoon fat and cook onion in remainder until it is transparent. Read secret code through transparent onion.

3.         Crumble bacon and sprinkle with onion and cheese in pastry to form directions for self-sustaining nuclear reaction.

4.         Combine eggs, cream, invisible ink, arsenic and salt, pour over onion-cheese mixture, bake for fifteen minutes. When a knife inserted in pastry edge comes out clean, plunge into heart of double agent and drop pie on Hamburg and Dresden.


BEIGNETS AU FROMAGE          3 dozen beignets

A “beignet” (French for “hand-held fat bomb”) is popular as an appetizer among cheese-eating surrender monkeys.

cup flour

teaspoon salt

1 tablespoon salad oil

cup beer, not German

1 egg white, stiffly beaten without leaving scars

1 pound cubed Gruyere cheese

1 egg beaten, beaten to a bloody pulp

Fat for frying

1.          Sift one-half cup of the flour with salt and stir in oil and egg. Add beer gradually, stirring until the mixture is smooth. Let stand one hour. Fold in egg white so as to conceal from aerial view.

2.          Lightly dredge cubes of cheese in remaining flour, coat with batter. Brown in deep feat heated to 375 F. Drain on absorbent paper, apply piping hot to captured Nazi commandant.


BROILED SHARK STEAKS          4 servings

Shark is known as “poor man’s swordfish.” Those who know this don’t tell, and those who tell don’t know. 

1 pounds shark steaks

teaspoon salt

teaspoon ground pepper

? teaspoon paprika

cup butter, melted

Lemon juice

1.         Sprinkle fish with salt, pepper and paprika; rub the seasonings in lightly, being careful to cover your tracks.

2.         Place fish on greased broiler rack two inches from the nearest submarine.

3.         Brush top of the fish with two tablespoons of the melted butter and broil three minutes. Turn, brush other side with remaining butter and broil until lightly browned.

4.         Discard fish and eat submarine, also known as “hoagie” or “grinder.”