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How to be a Jim-Nast
by Roger Pattison

This is part of my ‘How-To’ encyclopaedia. It’s actually all of it. So far.

I’m going to do ‘Hacksaw Brain Surgery on the NHS’ next. But let’s stick to topic, a least for once round the horse. Box. Horse-box. Parallel rings. One of those.

So, what do I know about it? Clearly not very much.

And, therefore, why should I be self opinionated enough to imagine I can instruct the world on this (or any other) subject. Because nobody in their right mind is going to act on any suggestion I might inadvertently make. You are all, then, perfectly safe.

What do you need to be a Jim-Nast? You need to lose two stone for start. That’s even if you weigh in at one and a half. You will never see a fat Jim-Nast. Don’t be fooled by the Sumo wrestler thing. They’re actually blown up with a foot pump before they start and nailed to the floor. They actually weigh less than a helium balloon.

“Get on with it” did you say? Alright, after getting rid of your two stones (tricky for the ladies, I’ll admit), you’ll need to jump about a lot. Up and down, side to side, side to down, up to side. It doesn’t matter really; except that you must finish your last cartwheel in midair. Your spare stones (that you hopefully saved for later) will help as a gyroscopic counter-weight.

In order to get a good mark you will need to take at least a minute to fall to the ground. After which your broken bones are counted up and this goes towards your overall score. Sometimes it’s better to count the unbroken ones as you will get home earlier.

Well, we’ve done that now.

So, a quick ‘How to be a Politician.’

Study plank-chewing and continuous doughnut eating at Cambridge. In this way you will be qualified to PhD level as a fat arsehole with a big mouth.