How to be a Jim-Nast
by Roger
Pattison
This is part
of my ‘How-To’ encyclopaedia. It’s
actually all of it. So far.
I’m going
to do ‘Hacksaw Brain Surgery on the NHS’
next. But let’s stick to topic, a least for
once round the horse. Box. Horse-box. Parallel
rings. One of those.
So, what do I
know about it? Clearly not very much.
And, therefore,
why should I be self opinionated enough to
imagine I can instruct the world on this (or any
other) subject. Because nobody in their right
mind is going to act on any suggestion I might
inadvertently make. You are all, then, perfectly
safe.
What do you need to be a Jim-Nast? You need to
lose two stone for start. That’s even if you
weigh in at one and a half. You will never see a
fat Jim-Nast. Don’t be fooled by the Sumo
wrestler thing. They’re actually blown up
with a foot pump before they start and nailed to
the floor. They actually weigh less than a helium
balloon.
“Get on
with it” did you say? Alright, after getting
rid of your two stones (tricky for the ladies, I’ll
admit), you’ll need to jump about a lot. Up
and down, side to side, side to down, up to side.
It doesn’t matter really; except that you
must finish your last cartwheel in midair. Your
spare stones (that you hopefully saved for later)
will help as a gyroscopic counter-weight.
In order to
get a good mark you will need to take at least a
minute to fall to the ground. After which your
broken bones are counted up and this goes towards
your overall score. Sometimes it’s better to
count the unbroken ones as you will get home
earlier.
Well, we’ve done that now.
So, a quick ‘How to be a Politician.’
Study plank-chewing and continuous doughnut
eating at Cambridge. In this way you will be
qualified to PhD level as a fat arsehole with a
big mouth.
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