The Short Humour Site

Home : Writers' Showcase : Submission Guidelines : A Man of a Few More Words : Links

Writers' Showcase

From a Slumber, I Awake
Confessions of a Maniacal Early Riser
by Anisa Irwin

Day Two:

5:00 a.m. - The sweltering room burns my skin as the temperature rapidly increases. It feels as though a thousand, million dragons have unleashed their fiery breath unto the heavy air. It's getting hard to breathe. My wretched arms shake from what can only be properly described as mind-altering exhaustion. When did I become so weak? I think to myself. It can't have been more than a few years since I ran like the wind and had the energy of a small water buffalo. It feels like only yesterday that these memories were reality.

5:01 a.m. - My mouth has become the Sahara desert and the cracks in my lips tear a little more with every excruciating facial movement. A bead of sweat trickles down my forehead, eventually falling from my brow. Desperation sets in at hyper-rates and my twisted tongue lashes from its aching prison. The glistening ball of salty water sails through my vision in slow motion, and I cringe, watching it plummet to its death. My gnarly tongue remains extended, frozen in time.

5:02 a.m. - Trembling, I succumb to the evil that lurks in the shadows of my mind as I collapse to the ground and begin sucking the moisture from carpet. Only, by this point, it's so fucking hot that the drop miraculously evaporates on impact. All that is rewarded to me is a mouthful of fibres, dog hair and shoe dirt. Half-starved, delirious and teetering on the brink of death, I muster every ounce of strength buried deep, deep within my extremely weary body and manage to push myself back up with my pathetic, wobbling arms. Releasing one last ragged sigh, I crumple back to the floor in a jumbled heap of sticky skin. My fingers scrape against the ground, clawing at anything that can give me enough leverage to drag my sorry-ass to my only hope of survival; the door.

5:05 a.m. - After three minutes of pure hell, all my efforts pay off when I finally arrive at my destination. Just as I do, the door swings open and smacks me in the head.

"Hey, Anisa? You ready for work?" The voice sounds familiar, but I'm so far gone I can't quite place it.

"Shoot me," I croak back to the figure in the door.

"So, how many push-ups did you do this morning?" he asks.

"Five. Now let me die in peace ... alone."

"That bad, eh?" he says, smirking, making me want to kick him in the shin. "Well, hurry up or we'll be late again." The door closes behind him as he leaves.

5:15 a.m. - After my heartbeat returns to normal, I peel myself off the floor, five push-ups stronger, and ready to conquer the world. "See? That wasn't so bad," I say to myself. "Tomorrow? Six push-ups and two sit-ups! Soon enough, you'll be Godzilla. Good thing you ate your Lucky Charms, err, I mean, Wheaties."


5:16 a.m. - My eyes snap open and panic sets in when I realize it was only a dream and I have to do it all over again. F ... M ... L ....