Spring Music Program
by Walter Bowne
the music arts department at Eastside High School!
During the next three hours sitting in your seat
to hear your child play for five minutes that
youve paid $75 a week in private lessons,
consider all the benefits that music education
provides your child:
* Music majors
are the most likely group of college grads to be
admitted to medical school.
~Lewis Thomas, Case for Music in the Schools, Phi
Delta Kappa, 1994
* Students who
participate in school band or orchestra have the
lowest levels of current and lifelong use of
alcohol, tobacco and illicit drugs among any
group in our society.
~ H. Con. Res. 266, United States Senate, June 13,
* High school
music students have been shown to hold higher
grade point averages (GPA) than non-musicians in
the same school.
~ National Educational Longitudinal Study of 1988
* 93.6% of
music students can go twice as long without food
and water than non-music students, but cant
last a day without Bach.
~Nathaniel Long, Food Really is For the Soul, The
American Scholar 2011
* Music majors
experience nearly 50% more near death experiences,
with heaven sounding highly similar to Claude
Debussys The Sea
~ Annette Retardolo, Reports from the Great
Beyond, The Lancet, 2007
* 100% of
music students are more likely to be categorized
as sexually active band geeks in the
lunchroom by 95% of the average of non-music
~Common knowledge in high school cafeterias
* 90% of music
majors have 67% less cavities than non-music
~Dr. L.C. Bodakovitch
63% of all recent Wyoming residents had been
~Wyoming Census 2012
*34% of earwax
in music majors consists of cork grease.
~ Ear, Nose, and Throat Latitudinal Study 2011,
Dr. Hibiscus et al.
* 94% of music
students belong to the Illuminati
~Stolen report leaked from Illuminati insider,
now in hiding
*97% of music
students are just better looking than most
students of similar age just get over it.
~ Common knowledge amongst music majors
adapt to cold weather more easily because of
their slender fingers.
~ Studies in Adaptability of Bone in Shape of
Fingers, AMA. 1996
musicians are Republicans, 3% are Democrats, and
95% say, Fuck politics, turn up Zeppelin!!!
~ Mr. Johnson, US History II AP Teacher. Eastside
have 42% more surface area on their lips
~ JoAnne Boodykind, dental hygienist,
musicians have the unique ability to flip hair in
~ Survey of senior citizens at Overbrook Mall,
Saturday night. 7pm.
*87% of music
students eat more organic vegetables than the
~ Whole Foods Supermarket, 2013
musicians consider the relationship with their
instrument as being very close.
~ Eastside High reporter Sara Hobbins.
musicians believe they release the voices of
trapped angels when they play music
~ Susan Tottenbaum, NPR, On Religion.
that music students have six less friends than
the average student, but twenty times more in
terms of Closeness with each other.
~ John Stossel, An Insiders Look at Marching Band,
*The navels on
the average musician are 200% larger than non-musicians
- virtual caverns full of intricate
labyrinths and stalactites and stalagmites and
really gross lint that collects for years.
~ U.S. Cosmetic Surgeons of America
musicians are reported to have threatened DJs at
various occasions for playing really
horrible music, man.
~ Kill the DJ, Really? D.J.
Association of America
musicians have contracted an STD from a
mouthpiece (at least at Eastside High)
~ Carl Hinder, Health teacher