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Eastside High Spring Music Program
by Walter Bowne

Support the music arts department at Eastside High School! During the next three hours sitting in your seat to hear your child play for five minutes that you’ve paid $75 a week in private lessons, consider all the benefits that music education provides your child:

* Music majors are the most likely group of college grads to be admitted to medical school.
~Lewis Thomas, Case for Music in the Schools, Phi Delta Kappa, 1994

* Students who participate in school band or orchestra have the lowest levels of current and lifelong use of alcohol, tobacco and illicit drugs among any group in our society.
~ H. Con. Res. 266, United States Senate, June 13, 2000

* High school music students have been shown to hold higher grade point averages (GPA) than non-musicians in the same school.
~ National Educational Longitudinal Study of 1988

* 93.6% of music students can go twice as long without food and water than non-music students, but can’t last a day without Bach.
~Nathaniel Long, Food Really is For the Soul, The American Scholar 2011

* Music majors experience nearly 50% more near death experiences, with heaven sounding highly similar to Claude Debussy’s The Sea
~ Annette Retardolo, Reports from the Great Beyond, The Lancet, 2007

* 100% of music students are more likely to be categorized as “sexually active band geeks” in the lunchroom by 95% of the average of non-music classmates.
~Common knowledge in high school cafeterias

* 90% of music majors have 67% less cavities than non-music majors
~Dr. L.C. Bodakovitch

*An astounding 63% of all recent Wyoming residents had been music majors
~Wyoming Census 2012

*34% of earwax in music majors consists of cork grease.
~ Ear, Nose, and Throat Latitudinal Study 2011, Dr. Hibiscus et al.

* 94% of music students belong to the Illuminati
~Stolen report leaked from Illuminati insider, now in hiding

*97% of music students are just better looking than most students of similar age – just get over it.
~ Common knowledge amongst music majors

*Musicians can adapt to cold weather more easily because of their slender fingers.
~ Studies in Adaptability of Bone in Shape of Fingers, AMA. 1996

*2% of musicians are Republicans, 3% are Democrats, and 95% say, Fuck politics, turn up Zeppelin!!!
~ Mr. Johnson, US History II AP Teacher. Eastside High.

*Musicians have 42% more surface area on their lips
~ JoAnne Boodykind, dental hygienist, observational statistic

*97% of musicians have the unique ability to flip hair in slow motion.
~ Survey of senior citizens at Overbrook Mall, Saturday night. 7pm.

*87% of music students eat more organic vegetables than the average American
~ Whole Foods Supermarket, 2013

*84% of musicians consider the relationship with their instrument as being “very close.”
~ Eastside High reporter Sara Hobbins.  

*63.3% of musicians believe they release the voices of trapped angels when they play music
~ Susan Tottenbaum, NPR, On Religion.

*Studies show that music students have six less friends than the average student, but twenty times more in terms of “Closeness” with each other.
~ John Stossel, An Insiders Look at Marching Band, 2010  

*The navels on the average musician are 200% larger than non-musicians - virtual caverns – full of intricate labyrinths and stalactites and stalagmites and really gross lint that collects for years.
~ U.S. Cosmetic Surgeons of America

*92% of musicians are reported to have threatened DJs at various occasions for playing “really horrible music, man.”
~ “Kill the DJ, Really?” D.J. Association of America

*5% of musicians have contracted an STD from a mouthpiece (at least at Eastside High)
~ Carl Hinder, Health teacher