The Short Humour Site

Home : Writers' Showcase : Submission Guidelines : A Man of a Few More Words : Links

Writers' Showcase

Cooking for Cretins
by Roger Pattison

Before we go any further, we need to establish how to boil an egg.

First of all, you will need an egg. You can usually recognise an egg by the fact that it isn’t an orange. An orange is round and orange.

Many things fit into the description of not being an orange. But oranges don’t. So that narrows it down a bit.

A camel, for instance, also, is not an orange. Neither is it an egg.

Should you suspect that your egg is in fact a camel, first inspect it for legs. An egg does not have any legs. This depends to some extent on the state of your fridge. Things like frozen pizzas do occasionally grow legs in my fridge.

Another test to apply is the smell test. Camels rarely smell like eggs. Again this can depend on your fridge, and how many camels you keep in it.

Another subtle difference is that a camel is eight feet tall and hairy, and an egg isn’t.

Having located our egg, we will next consider how to boil it. In preparation we shall need:-

1 - A hacksaw.
2 - A saucepan. These are things that look a lot like a tin of paint with a handle sticking out. A tin of paint would not be a good substitute.
3 - A fire engine.

You will also need a source of heat. If you happen to be boiling your egg on Bonfire Night, you could at a push boil your egg when everybody else is roasting their potatoes.

There are two different methods of boiling an egg. Hard boiled and not boiled at all. That’s usually how it works out for me anyway. The hard boiled type needs to be on the heat for a least a calendar month. During this time you will notice the saucepan take on various different shapes. A figure eight shape tells you that your egg is truly hard boiled and that is when you need your hacksaw. Remove your pan from the bonfire; or, if you are up for a challenge, don’t.

Saw the pan in half, so revealing your hardboiled egg. Do not discard your hacksaw as you will need it for the egg.

Put your egg, (which will either look rather like a meteorite, or a blackened camel), into a nice little Enid Blyton eggcup and put the assembly into a vice, sawing the top off carefully if it looks like a meteorite, or very carefully if it looks like a camel.

In my next book I will be doing toasty soldiers to dip in your egg. You will need the use of an industrial arc welding set.

Happy cooking!