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Chrristmas Crime Scene At Ken's Shed
by Bill Naylor

Ken never thought he would be calling the police on Christmas morning. Christmas evening perhaps, like last year when he needed a burly policeman to eject an aged aunt who had overdosed on sherry, and was pole dancing on the patio heater. But this Christmas morning he’d gone out to his garden shed at 7am, and discovered he’d had a break in. Everything had been taken from the ramshackle building, and the thieves had sprayed Merry Christmas Kenneth. across the doors. Ken was livid, he hated being called Kenneth. Shaking with rage he telephoned the police. Before he had time to replace the receiver, a small police car delivered a large policeman to his door.

“I’m sorry to call you out on Christmas morning officer, I can hardly speak, I’m trembling.”

“What seems to be the problem Mr Trembling?”

”I’ve had a robbery."

The Officer took out his notebook, “Items stolen!”

Ken counted under his breath as the officer waited pen poised.

“A push lawn mower, garden gnome, and a bird table with two fat ball feeders.”

“In that case we will draft in reinforcements from other areas, cancel all police leave and notify the FBI. Mr Trembling, while I’m stood here I could be ticketing innocent motorists for fictitious parking infringements.”

“Officer, they’ve totally desecrated my garden.”

“Desecration! That’s different, I won’t have desecration on my patch, even though I’m not sure what it means, lead the way?”

The policeman closely examined the writing Merry Christmas, Kenneth, sprayed on the on the shed door “It never ceases to amaze me how stupid thieves are, this guy’s only signed his name.”

“That’s my name officer”

The officer scribbled in his notebook, muttering, “Could be an inside job.”

“Do you want to take some fingerprints officer?”

“No thanks, we’ve tons back at the station.”

Ken escorted the policeman into his garden.

“As you can see they’ve just run amok. They’ve replaced the bird table with a tropical house, complete with a waterfall, palm trees, and tropical birds. In place of the gnome. They’ve left a fountain that wouldn’t look out of place in the Vatican. And my old push mower has been replaced with a top of the range ride on mower. What kind of warped mind could do this?”

“I investigate a lot of crime scenes, Mr Trembling. I’m in the police force you see. The criminal mind can be very unpredictable. Have you heard of Jack the Ripper?”

“Yes I have.”

“So have I. You see in the excitement of a robbery, thieves often panic and do all kinds of bizarre things. That’s obviously what’s happened here. You’re simply the innocent victim of a crime that went horribly wrong.”