Scene At Ken's Shed
by Bill Naylor
thought he would be calling the police on
Christmas morning. Christmas evening perhaps,
like last year when he needed a burly policeman
to eject an aged aunt who had overdosed on sherry,
and was pole dancing on the patio heater. But
this Christmas morning hed gone out to his
garden shed at 7am, and discovered hed had
a break in. Everything had been taken from the
ramshackle building, and the thieves had sprayed Merry
Christmas Kenneth. across the doors. Ken was
livid, he hated being called Kenneth. Shaking
with rage he telephoned the police. Before he had
time to replace the receiver, a small police car
delivered a large policeman to his door.
sorry to call you out on Christmas morning
officer, I can hardly speak, Im trembling.
seems to be the problem Mr Trembling?
had a robbery."
took out his notebook, Items stolen!
under his breath as the officer waited pen poised.
lawn mower, garden gnome, and a bird table with
two fat ball feeders.
case we will draft in reinforcements from other
areas, cancel all police leave and notify the FBI.
Mr Trembling, while Im stood here I could
be ticketing innocent motorists for fictitious
theyve totally desecrated my garden.
Thats different, I wont have
desecration on my patch, even though Im not
sure what it means, lead the way?
closely examined the writing Merry Christmas,
Kenneth, sprayed on the on the shed door
It never ceases to amaze me how stupid
thieves are, this guys only signed his name.
my name officer
scribbled in his notebook, muttering, Could
be an inside job.
want to take some fingerprints officer?
thanks, weve tons back at the station.
the policeman into his garden.
can see theyve just run amok. Theyve
replaced the bird table with a tropical house,
complete with a waterfall, palm trees, and
tropical birds. In place of the gnome.
Theyve left a fountain that wouldnt
look out of place in the Vatican. And my old push
mower has been replaced with a top of the range
ride on mower. What kind of warped mind could do
investigate a lot of crime scenes, Mr Trembling.
Im in the police force you see. The
criminal mind can be very unpredictable. Have you
heard of Jack the Ripper?
I. You see in the excitement of a robbery,
thieves often panic and do all kinds of bizarre
things. Thats obviously whats
happened here. Youre simply the innocent
victim of a crime that went horribly wrong.