by M. V.
could tell you what I think, but then youd
have to kill me.
wrongs dont make a right, but three lefts
slipped and hit my head in the candy store and
got up slowly, seeing Starbursts.
Flying into China with my two kids,
who had become restless in their seats and were
hitting each other. Easy, you two, I
said. Dont you know, there is a one-child
policy in this country? If you dont behave,
Im going to have to decide right now which
one of you has to go.
Sometimes, life is just messing with
you. For example, Ive always had trouble
keeping a straight face at the dentists
office, which he finds annoying. So right before
my next appointment, I thought Id schedule
a Botox treatment. This backfired because when I
was asked to open, I couldnt.
Its crazy fun to walk around
with your shoelaces tied togetheryou be
Crack is whack, so why not pull up
your pants, young man?
The other day I was out driving and
got into an accident with a Mitsubishi Mirage. I
didn't even see it comingit suddenly
appeared out of nowhere.
I was surfing the Net and
saw the pop-up ad, Date 40+ Women,
which sounded to me like an invitation to a whole
different lifestyle. Until at second glance, I
saw they meant women over 40.
Eww. Get a room, sistapreferably
Seriously, I hope you find your
I must be looking good, because the
other day at the Target the cashier was
checkin me out. Then I went to the grocery
store, and the cashier there was checkin me
out, too. Finally I stopped at the drug store to
pick up a prescription and even that cashier
started checkin me out, which was a little
weird, because he was a dude, but thats
cool, Ill still take the compliment.
Definition of a chamberpot: relief
Anti-nuke protest: Hell, no, I
Im sick, so be forewarned, my
humor is particularly infectious today. Yes,
Im another Billy Ray Virus.
Ive been carrying around some
excess gravitons lately and definitely need to
start an exercise regimen soon. But I dont
want to overdo it, eithermaybe start out
with some escalator robics?
On our trip, my sisters and I
decided to keep an online log. But each time I
made an entry, one of my sisters started a new
thread, and then the others joined in until the
page was filled. Are they flooding
me? I wondered.
My scientific nerd friend Dougie
never showed up at my party, or so I thought,
until later that evening I bade one guest goodbye
at the door. I spotted Dougie running laps around
the house. What are you doing?
I called out. You told me to circulate!
My friend and I were out driving and
passed a strip mall with a big-name bedding store.
Uh-oh, I said, Dont even
try to negotiate with those people. They are
would hate to become a zombie. In my opinion, a
mind is a terrible thing to taste.