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by M. V. Montgomery

Just ate a whole bottle of appetite suppressant tablets. They were amazing.

I wish I was a plant and could just sit in my food all day.

If my plants don’t perk up soon and start growing like they’re supposed to, I’m going to sit down right in front of them and slowly, deliberately eat a salad.

Give a man a fish, he’ll get his Omega3s; teach a man to fish, he could die of mercury poisoning.

Fool me once, not so hard. Fool me twice, not so hard either. Please, just stop fooling with me.

The barber inspected my scalp and asked if I was “growing out” or “thinning out.” I shot him, so I guess that counts as thinning out.

Don’t worry, I’m not mixing up products from different animals in this omelet: I used goat eggs.

Would you like me to sign that e-book for you?

I like standing right behind the cashier when I’m being checked out at the store. That way, I can pay it forward.

I’ll often select one of my Christmas gifts at random, take it up to the Customer Service counter at any store, and just walk away. If asked, I won’t accept any money or credit for the item. That’s ‘cuz I believe it’s really important for all of us to give back.

I’ve been thrown under the bus so many times my name could be Jack.

This guy I know called his girlfriend and distinctly heard another male voice in the background, and immediately went over to kill her with a rifle in a jealous rage, but as it turned out, it had only been him on the speaker phone!!! So no worries, their relationship is still rock solid.

World’s Worst Fundraiser: For every ten cartons of cigarettes our scouts sell, one armament will be sent to an impoverished, war-torn area of the globe.

Joke for Los Niños Pequeños: What happens when you put uno, dos, tres, quattro people into a canoe? You’re going to cinco!

Vidi, squee; vini, squee; vici, squee you see, I still remember my pig Latin.

So old, I think Kickstarter is a kind of motorbike.

I’m not “on” Facebook or Twitter or any other controlled substance.

That tornado last week really put the fun in funnel cloud.

Bruce Jenner, the white Michael Jackson.

Spending too much time on computer, getting Bob Costas eyes.

My Cahiers du Cinema review: “Twelve Years a Slave is one of those movies that totally delivers on its title, like Three Men and a Baby, Four Weddings and a Funeral, or Snakes on a Plane.”

How to speak Southern: Step One, say “Bless his/her heart” with reference to someone you don’t like; Step Two, learn to stack your verbs: “was wanting” (novice level), “might could drop by” (advanced level); Step Three, explore the reflexive possibilities in all other verbs (“likes him some,” “wants him some more”).

A “post-apocalyptic world”: how is that even possible?

Would you call a follower of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints who drinks, lies and swears an “oxy-Mormon”?

I’m still searching for a Heart of Gold. Because if the relationship doesn’t work out, you can always sell it.