by M. V.
Just ate a whole bottle of
appetite suppressant tablets. They were amazing.
I wish I was a plant and
could just sit in my food all day.
If my plants dont
perk up soon and start growing like theyre
supposed to, Im going to sit down right in
front of them and slowly, deliberately eat a
Give a man a fish, hell
get his Omega3s; teach a man to fish, he could
die of mercury poisoning.
Fool me once, not so hard.
Fool me twice, not so hard either. Please, just
stop fooling with me.
The barber inspected my
scalp and asked if I was growing out
or thinning out. I shot him, so I
guess that counts as thinning out.
Dont worry, Im
not mixing up products from different animals in
this omelet: I used goat eggs.
Would you like me to sign
that e-book for you?
I like standing right
behind the cashier when Im being checked
out at the store. That way, I can pay it forward.
Ill often select one
of my Christmas gifts at random, take it up to
the Customer Service counter at any store, and
just walk away. If asked, I wont accept any
money or credit for the item. Thats cuz
I believe its really important for all of
us to give back.
Ive been thrown under
the bus so many times my name could be Jack.
This guy I know called his
girlfriend and distinctly heard another male
voice in the background, and immediately went
over to kill her with a rifle in a jealous rage,
but as it turned out, it had only been him on the
speaker phone!!! So no worries, their
relationship is still rock solid.
Fundraiser: For every ten cartons of
cigarettes our scouts sell, one armament will be
sent to an impoverished, war-torn area of the
Joke for Los Niños
Pequeños: What happens when you put uno, dos,
tres, quattro people into a canoe? Youre
going to cinco!
Vidi, squee; vini, squee;
vici, squee you see, I still remember my pig
So old, I think Kickstarter
is a kind of motorbike.
Im not on
Facebook or Twitter or any other controlled
That tornado last week
really put the fun in funnel cloud.
Bruce Jenner, the white
Spending too much time on
computer, getting Bob Costas eyes.
My Cahiers du Cinema review:
Twelve Years a Slave is one of those
movies that totally delivers on its title, like Three
Men and a Baby, Four Weddings and a
Funeral, or Snakes on a Plane.
How to speak Southern: Step
One, say Bless his/her heart with
reference to someone you dont like; Step
Two, learn to stack your verbs: was wanting
(novice level), might could drop by (advanced
level); Step Three, explore the reflexive
possibilities in all other verbs (likes him
some, wants him some more).
world: how is that even possible?
Would you call a follower
of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day
Saints who drinks, lies and swears an oxy-Mormon?
Im still searching
for a Heart of Gold. Because if the relationship
doesnt work out, you can always sell it.