by David Harker
mistake of her life this is.
The woman didn't
seem one for keeping her opinions to herself, and
Julie was on the receiving end of the entire
I think they make a lovely couple she
it always starts out like that, but then they
change! Take me for example".
I wish someone
would, thought Julie perhaps a little
uncharitably, but she was getting tired of this
complete stranger talking ceaselessly at her.
Shed arrived at St. Chads much later
than shed intended the high street
had been at a standstill and parking practically
non-existent. Now, as a consequence, she sat at
the back next to some 'Essex girl' of a character
who just wouldnt shut up.
Connie! offered the woman, giving her a dig
in the ribs.
replied Julie with a start. Shed actually
been miles away, wondering whether shed put
enough money in the meter.
Connie. I was just saying how my ex was so cute
until we got married. Changed in an instant he
did right before my very eyes!
briefly for the sympathy she felt she deserved.
When it didnt come she tried again.
do enough for me he couldnt, then all of a
sudden he turns into some kind of couch slouch.
Wouldnt have minded so much but he was a
right grumpy git too. Well you know what I say
dont you! Some say the glass is half empty
and some say it's half full
but I just say
Are you going to drink that or what?.
shrieked with laughter at her own joke and gave
Julie a playful push, drawing attention to
herself and by default to Julie, who squirmed
with embarrassment and mouthed an apology to the
sea of disapproving faces now scowling at them.
all them stuck up gits with their la-di-da faces.
Youd think theyd never had a larf in
her tongue out at a matronly figure with a
particularly effective disapproving look on her
was telling you about my ex. Well we went off
last year on holiday to Pontins. Gawd that
was a do that was - pissed off our faces every
night we was, brilliant! Then on the last night I
went for a wee and come back to find him with
some slags hand down his trousers! Bold as
brass! Middle of the dance floor and all!
for Julie to interject some semblance of sympathy,
and once more she fell decidedly short of the
you do? I hear you ask, Connie soldiered on,
determined to get to the punch line.
picked up my handbag, went back to the chalet,
threw my stuff in a bag and drove home. Left him
to pick up the bill and to get home somehow,
which he eventually did. And THEN do you know
what he did?, she paused briefly again for
effect before continuing.
he was unhappy and that he just wanted some space
in our relationship! The cheeky bastard! So I
told him he could enjoy the space of the great
outdoors and locked him out!
loudly and uncontrollably for what seemed an age.
The tutting sounds and backward glances added
immeasurably to Julies discomfort.
Fortunately just at the point when she wished a
hole would open up for her, the Wedding March
started to play and the wedding guests rose to
their feet. Every eye turned to the door at the
back and a sigh spread through the congregation
as the gorgeous bride with her attendants began
to sashay down the aisle. The flowers, the dress,
the bride - the whole scene was utter perfection.
Until that is, the somewhat loud and somewhat
the bleedin hell is that?