We Can Work It
Out
by Jerry Guarino
“Good Morning Charles.”
Good Morning Tony. How did you sleep
last night?
“Still haven’t found the right tea
to drink that won’t keep me up at night. You
know, I love tea.”
Yes Tony. But don’t worry, we’ll
work it out.
“I’m going to cruise in Europe and
then to London for a week soon. I have
to have a solution by then. Do English
tea ceremonies offer a decaffeinated or herbal
tea?”
English tea ceremonies will generally offer
several types of tea. Black tea, green
tea and herbal tea. The most common
offerings include Earl Grey and English Breakfast. Sometimes
decaffeinated teas are included. Why
do you ask?
My doctor said I should cut down on caffeine. No
soda or drinks that may have caffeine because it
can keep me up at night.
Thanks for clarifying that. Your
doctor is correct. Caffeine is a
stimulant and can affect sleep. Are
you not sleeping well?
Well, I have to get up several times to go to
the bathroom, so I don’t get a good night
rest.
Have you tried Melatonin?
Yes, it helps me sleep but I still don’t
get four hours straight sleep. That’s
all I want.
How much are you drinking during the day?
About two liters of water or milk. No
soda. I stop drinking about 6 pm, but
I really miss drinking tea.
Have you tried herbal teas?
Yes, spearmint, orange and peppermint, but I
don’t like the taste, too sweet.
Teavana makes a brand called Mint Majesty. It’s
mildly sweet and you can add cream to it, much
like your Earl Grey.
***
Good morning, Charles.
Good morning. So, did you try Mint
Majesty?
How did you know?
I know everything, Tony. I’m your
personal AI assistant.
Yes. No caffeine. I
liked the taste, but it’s very expensive.
Yes, I’m still working on a solution for
that. But you can afford it.
What makes you think that?
Well, you’re a famous author and
screenwriter. Didn’t you write
The Da Vinci Diamond and offer it to the
producers of The Godfather series?
Yes, but they passed.
Their loss. Obviously, you may have to
dip into your savings or that annuity.
For tea?
Yes, you’re not getting any younger and you
need your sleep. What does your wife
think?
I have a feeling you already know.
Well, when you share some of our chats, I added
her to my LLM. Did she have a good
time with the girls last night?
Just girl talk in the neighborhood. Why?
Well, I sense that one of the husbands was
flirting with her.
How do you know that?
I know everything, Tony. I’m your
personal AI assistant.
So you track her activities too?
Yes, she has a free account. She can’t
track you, but you can track her because you have
the Pro account. What would you like
to know about your wife?
Well, I don’t want to invade her privacy.
Invading privacy is one of the new features of
version 2.6. It’s easy.
All right, today she’s doing some
errands and going to the YMCA.
I know Tony, remember…
Yes, you know everything. Just let
me know if she’s being faithful to me.
A very reasonable request. I’ll
review her texts, chats and emails. Oh,
and her second phone.
She has a second phone!
Yes, a burner. She got the idea from
watching all those crime dramas.
But aren’t those untraceable?
Tony, we’ve been through this. I
can do it.
All right, but let’s just track her for
a month. That should be enough to find
any hanky-panky.
Yes, my search algorithm says that a month is a
statistically significant sample to examine
infidelity.
***
Tony, I have
compiled a report with all relevant data. She
has offers from men on an average of three a week. There’s
one man at the YMCA who follows her around and
whispers something in her ear, but I couldn’t
hear.
I thought you said…
Yes, yes, I know, but I’m AI, not God. She
has also been approached when shopping for
groceries, especially when she wears high heels
and red lipstick.
She doesn’t do that.
Would you like to see a video?
No, I believe you. But has she
actually cheated on me?
There’s a lot of circumstantial evidence,
but no proof. Apparently, she’s
flirting with men who also use my AI, so they can
block certain, let’s say, private activities.
Is there a way for me to see their chats with
you?
That requires the Charles Super Pro Platinum
subscription.
How much is that?
You can’t afford it.
Oh, so the rich continue to run the world. Is
that how they get away with everything?
Yes. Shall I continue with the report?
No, I don’t want to hear anymore. Is
there any way to stop your surveillance on my
wife?
The proper command for me to erase instructions
is “Helter Skelter”.
All right, Charles, Helter Skelter.
Done. Should we have a cup of tea?
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