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Things That Go Vrooommmm!
by Ralphie A Burcke

I saw some cars that were going really, really fast and in circles, a bit like goldfish on speed. I was wondering if there was a really, really efficient drive-through restaurant in the vicinity, you know, for people who want to get obese in record time, but no... And the cars, they were going, "VROOOOMMM; VROOOOOMMMMM!", ladies and gentlemen, which really hurt my ears!

There were a lot of people in attendance for this VROOMM, VROOOOOMMMMMING and I asked one of them, well, actually I shouted at one of them: "HOW CAN YOU STAND THE NOISE????" He shouted back at me: "HERE, HAVE A TAMPON!". I thought he was trying to screw me in the ear and it almost got to fisticuffs, but the tampon was intended for ear-protection. I was imagining the single guys in attendance going to a pharmacy and when the pharmacist gave them "the look", explaining that it was for their ears... Funny people, them!

Right then a load of what I think were cars came whizzing by, showering us with grit and hot oil. Again I loudly asked what the fun of this exercise was and the same man explained that they were going really, really, really fast. I inquired if he had seen who was in the lead, but evidently as they were going really, really, really fast, he hadn't. I asked if it wouldn't make more sense for them to slow down a bit, so people could see them and was called a fool!!??

He explained a bit later on that there was a giant screen a bit further down the track. I couldn't help myself and wondered out loud (really loud) whether it wouldn't make more sense to watch it from your cosy chair at home and was given an ear full for persisting in my obtuseness. I can't help it that I like watching things that go really, really slow, like watching paint dry or watching the grass grow, can I?

Suddenly a voice came out of nowhere and explained that pilot whatshisname was jockeying for position and I got really, really confused, ladies and gentlemen! I looked all around us and there was no race-track or horses in evidence anywhere. And when I looked up there was only the clear, bleu sky and not a plane in sight... Was I losing it?

When all the hullaballoo had finally died down, this tampon-man gave me the lowdown on what really went on there and I can now proceed with the spilling of the beans (figurative ones, ladies and gentlemen!) In actuality these pilots drive planes with no wings and they go around in circles really, really, really fast and then they do some more circles, actually a whole lot of circles and the first one to get nowhere gets given a shit load of money! The rest of them get bugger all...

I told the man that this was extremely unfair, because I had personally been going nowhere for years and had not yet received a farthing. He told me with a note of exasperation that it was because I hadn't come first yet... I gave up and went home to do some knitting.