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The War of Strange Worlds
by Ralphie A Burcke

From his platform on the endocrine gland Strepto, the King of Cocci, addresses his tribe:

“You all know that we had to leave our last habitat, due to overpopulation, after the arrival of those dastardly viruses. Finally, since our exodus from the Primal Crap…”

The crowd answers in unison: “All hail the Stinky One!”

And Strepto continues: “…we have found a rather microbe-friendly human, who has tolerable chemical levels and an over-ripe liver.” Cheers from everyone. “Let us sup and make merry!”

The party lasted all through the human’s sleep period, but then the scouts, under the command of general Bac Illus, came in with some appalling news. Apparently, their arch-enemies, the E-colli, had found this delicious morsel first and were headed their way in attack formation. Strepto addressed his people anew:

“Colli, mount your blood cells. The evil Colli have found out our bed of diseased joy. We’ll head them off at the aorta. bloody battle is at hand and possibly afoot aswell. General Illus, take the lead!”

Bac answered: “Aye, aye, Mire!” (=Title of honour amongst bacteria)

There ensued an epic battle, but sadly the Cocci were running out of oromones, the only effective defense against the dreaded Colli. (Note: Oromones are like ferromones, but made of gold. Much more effective and rarer.) They retreated and hid in the ventricular valve to hold their war council. General Illus reported that they were outnumbered fifty to one, but thankfully an exchange of fluids was in progress. Their only hope lay in escape.

The Colli were decimating their numbers and the Cocci made a hasty retreat through the Valley of Poop, all the while gorging themselves on manna, for Shit only knew where they would land next. Strepto shouted:

“General Illus, hold them off as best you can, while we head for the nearest exit. Our fate lies in your hands!” The old soldier was a dour Cocci, whose whole family had been lost, during an untimely dump. He swore to hold out as long as he possibly could.

The remaining Cocci population were holed up in the scrotum, awaiting transportation, when report came that the brave general’s troops had been overrun and their annihilation was imminent. Missus Strepto wailed:

“We can only pray for premature ejaculation to save the day!” And thank the Holy Crap that it did come timely and the Cocci tribe were consequently transported into a strange new womb, where none of their kind had ever gone before.

They lived to greet another day, thanks to the sacrifice of General Illus, who shall forever be remembered in the anus of the tribe, where they found a new home and lived shabbily ever after. Amen!