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Red or Blue?
by Tom Speropulos

President Barack Obama, during a recent campaign visit to a red state, was scheduled to speak to the local school children, via satellite. Some of the schools offered their parents the option of allowing their children to play mindless video games in the school library rather than listen to the President’s speech. A number of parents, convinced their children would become left wing, brain eating zombies by his rhetoric, chose to have their children opt out. They feared that Obama’s radical, liberal, fascist pig dog message was not in keeping with our Founding Fathers wishes.

The students that did watch were treated to a "work hard and stay in school" message from our President. Much to their surprise, he made no mention of death squads, sterilizing the stupid, or holding hands and singing Kumbaya. However, to the consternation of some, he did tell the children that, given America’s future prospects in the world standings, it may be a good idea to learn how to eat with chopsticks and play ping pong.

After his speech, many of the parents thought the students may have looked too deeply into Obama's eyes when he spoke, becoming mesmerized by Obama’s swaying watch ("tick tock, back and forth, you’re getting sleepy"), because when the President finished, the students went right to work and began to study. A parent, hearing this, noted " He (Obama) is sooooo sneaky; I think he's a communist or a Svengali".

It was discovered later (from undisclosed sources), that those children who were not allowed to hear the President's "stay in school" speech have parents who suffer from Political Anxiety Disorder or PAD, as it's commonly referred to. After reading of Obama’s worrisome comments, many of the PAD parents took to placing their heads between their knees, breathing deeply, and chanting in tongues until he left town.

Healthcare workers stated that this condition is typically found on the right side of the brain and is usually more prevalent in the South and Southwest United States, with a particularly high incidence of the disease in Texas. Experts concluded that PAD is brought on by lingering swamp gas, right-wing talk radio, and alien abductions, as in "Bubba was just standing there by the pond when we all saw this flash of light and poof, sniff, now he's gone”. Moreover, experts studying PAD hold out little hope for a cure in the near term.