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by Justin Fish

Perhaps nothing is quite as satisfying as a job well done. To set a goal, plan its execution, and see the whole project through to the final glorious moment of completion may be one of life’s greatest pleasures. Of course, setting a goal, giving it a great deal of thought and then deciding your time would be much better spent doing something, anything, other than achieving your goal is pretty enjoyable too. But one can only spend so much time wondering why cheese is so funny, and if you don’t think cheese is funny, sit and stare at a hunk of it while wringing your hands and chanting ‘cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese’ over and over again. I guarantee you that the rest of us will think you are very funny. 

That’s why I decided to grow a beard.

Actually, you chanting at a hunk of cheese has very little to do with why I decided to grow a beard. I can’t remember ever thinking, “Boy, you’re goofy. I think I’ll grow a beard.” We do think you’re a little weird, but that’s probably due to the time you stood up at town meeting coated in peanut butter and Cheerios and proclaimed, “I am the Stick-Man!” But you are adorable, and we love you anyway.       

I grew a beard because I wanted to either have a goal and achieve it through effort and hard work or have a goal and achieve it without having to do any work whatsoever, and according to the National Beard Registry, ninety-nine Civil War Generals and Admirals had beards, and three of them later became President of the United States. One out of every thirty-three people with beards is going to be President. Those are incredible odds! 

The war part isn’t relevant here because that was a long time ago and people were shorter then, so even though I’m not the biggest fan of walking long distances, I am probably taller than they were. That should count for something.

Ever since I was a child, I have never once thought about being President, but I don’t think that should stop me. Sometimes the greatest blessings are unexpected. I once made a pot roast and forgot to add the carrots. So I cooked them afterwards and just mixed them in with everything else, and they were still good. 

Do you like pot roast?  I like pot roast.

So I’m pretty sure I’m going to be President, and I’m very reassured by the research I’ve done on the matter. Apparently it’s all in the beard. 

That’s my goal. I’m working hard to achieve it. I never really thought of myself as a beard person, but if it can get me a ride in a private airplane, I’m all for it.

And if you promise to vote for me, I’ll promise to not tease you about chanting at cheese. I would recommend you not do the whole peanut butter and Cheerios thing at town meeting again.  Once was enough. 

Try cream cheese and Cheez-Its. Now that would impress us.