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On Seeking a Place for a Picnic
by K. A. Laity

Deciding I wanted a picnic,
A sunny day spent somewhere nice,
I decided to turn to the ones that I knew
And plead for their prudent advice.
My father behind his newspaper
Harrumphed there was no other site
For picnicking fun and good cheer
Than Broadbottom, somewhere near Hyde.
"If you want go somewhere that's pretty,"
said my mum, busy painting Lord Palmer,
(whom it must be said was showing great patience)
"Loose Bottom, East Essex, near Falmer."
My thoughts in a whirl I got out the atlas
And looked for my rail card all over,
While Remington added with a cough so polite,
"Consider Nether Wallop, Andover."
Such names and such places, I would blush to think
That I could in no way endure 'em.
"Pity me!" I cried, but mum shook her head,
"Pity Me, why that's way north of Durham!"
My brother popped in with a big roguish grin
And suggested a locality rare,
"You can't do much better in this kind of weather
Than spread your blanket at Minges near Ware!"
I covered my ears and ran from the room,
Sought escape from such scandalous sites;
Great Snoring, Clenchwarton, or Buttock Point,
Dancing Dicks? No, it just wasn't right!
The better to recover my composure,
I sought the hills to stifle my sobs;
After all there's no greater soother
Of wild thoughts than Lord Hereford's Knob.