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Obama in shock at unexpected result of "Which SugababeAre You?" quiz
by Trevor Johnson
(reprinted from Trevor's site - The Daily News at

President Obama was said to be in shock last night after a “Which Sugababe Are You?” quiz delivered the answer “Heidi Range”.

Obama – who has publicly stated in the past that he thinks he is most like Amelle Berrabah – made the discovery on his laptop in some “downtime” during work on his proposals for a $447 billion package of tax cuts and government spending to boost the nation's recovery.

He was reported to have stormed out of the conference room and locked himself in the Oval Office with a bottle of Wild Turkey to “reconsider everything that he has ever thought was true about himself”, said a White House source.

“Things were going okay when they broke for lunch. Barack was staring at his laptop and suddenly his face turned to stone. We just knew he was on Quizazz ’cos he’s always on it.

“Then he starts reading from the screen: ‘You’ve battled through lots of bandmate line-ups over the years. You are shy, but a very tough cookie?! YOU ARE HEIDI RANGE?! WHAT THE ****??! I’m Amelle if I’m anyone!”

He then reportedly turned to Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner and started shouting: “Am I really like Heidi Range? ‘Can’t handle an argument with bandmates?’ Is that what everyone thinks of me? ‘Flighty and prone to tempers’ – seriously, wtf? Are they serious? They’re talking like I’m some teenage girl.

“I’m the guy who kicked BP’s ass over the oil spill. I watched Bin Laden take three in the head while I ate a Chocolate Sprinkle Krispy Kreme doughnut.”

Angry aides then despatched FBI agents to storm the homes of the two 17-year-old sisters from Virginia who came up with the quizz. They were flown to the White House to explain the “algorithms behind the quiz” to the president himself.

Their mother, who did not wish to be named, told The Daily News: “They were in tears – Obama’s people were shouting at them: ‘Under the Patriot Act we order you to disclose the algorithms! Disclose the algorithms that led to the answer ‘Heidi Range!’”

“But my girls didn’t know what algorithms are. And there were only four questions in the first place.”

The White House source said: “Somebody needs to block Obama from going on to Quizazz. A while back he flew into a rage when he only scored four out of ten in a quiz on Justin Bieber’s pets. And he wouldn’t even tell us what he scored on ‘Could You Be Harry Potter's Best Buddy?’ He just slammed the laptop down and ordered some more drone raids on the Taliban.”

It is not the first time that a fun quiz has proved the Achilles Heel of a serving US president. In 1863 Abraham Lincoln offered his resignation after a mental breakdown caused by discovering that the member of the girl band The Abolitionists he was most like was Martha J Steeples. He had been convinced that the answer would be Betty Windlemass.