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by Tom Speropulos

Now that fall is in the air, one's thoughts turn to the coming holiday season, the new year, and what the future might hold for us. Therefore, this seems the perfect time for a few key tips and hints from our 2012 Orwellian Mayan calendar that highlighting investment tips and predictions:

2012 Money tips:

Stockpile used cardboard boxes: Scientist's, in Malaysia, are on the brink of being able to turn used cardboard into ground beef. Unfortunately, test trials were halted after only one successful conversion. Apparently, when word of the success spread, a riot ensued as hundreds of impoverished Malaysians stormed alleyways throughout the countryside.

It was learned that the rioters carted off dumpsters filled with cardboard, as well as the scientists, and their equipment. Furthermore, large quantities of antacids were stolen from a nearby pharmacy, leading some to speculate the possibility of serious side effects from the conversion. Therefore, this may be a wait and see investment.

Other quick tips:

Soy bean curd ranching, Aluminum foil solar ovens designed expressly to cook Nachos, and a new charter school in Dallas "The Billie May school of thoughtful and meaningful expression" for the under informed.


In 2012, the world will not end however; all of our underwear will disappear during the annual "Fruit of the Loom" rapture fest.

News Briefs of the Weird:

It was learned today that a recent Gallup Poll survey showed that 48% of Americans have an overwhelming desire to be stacked horizontally in a closet. 32% were undecided while 20% of the respondents dope slapped the pollster for asking such a bone head question.

In a related news item, the famous juggling team, The Four Jugettes, were arrested yesterday in Danville, when an off duty maid discovered them impersonating an ice tray in their hotel room. They were later moved to the deep freeze.