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Hamlet, Prince Of Denmark
by Len Horridge


ACT I Scene VI

Enter Hamlet, with sword.

HAMLET: Claudius? Claudius! I want you here, Claudius

Claudius enters.

CLAUDIUS: Hamlet, didst thou call?
HAMLET: Yes, I didst call.
CLAUDIUS: What’s wantest thou?
HAMLET: Did you kill my Father?
CLAUDIUS: Well, you could put it that way-est.
HAMLET: Okay, so, there’s only one thing I can do.
CLAUDIUS: Procrastinate?
HAMLET: No, I don’t do rude stuff.
CLAUDIUS: What willest thou doest then?

Hamlet stabs Claudius with his sword.

Claudius falls to the ground..

CLAUDIUS: Thou hast killed me.
HAMLET: You noticed.

Enter Horatio.

HORATIO: What hast thou done?
HAMLET: Well, I found out that Claudius, King of Denmark, had killed my Father so, having had a chat with my dead Dad, I realised that I had to wreak revenge, so I took out my sword and here we are .
HORATIO: Oh, right. No procrastination then?
HAMLET: Oh, no, I don’t do that, I just be and do..
HORATIO: Okay. Well, here’s the problem.
HAMLET: No problem, problem solved, King’s dead, I inherit the throne, tell the good people of Denmark, this wonderful state, what’s happened, sort it with my Mother, the slut, and, hey, we’ll all live happily ever after. Once I’ve married Ophelia, of course
HORATIO: Yes. But we’ve still got two hours of the play to fill.
HAMLET: Ah. Good point. Procrastination has its uses…
HORATIO: Yes, in this case...
HAMLET: Do you know any songs?
HORATIO: Not really. I can tap-dance…
HAMLET: Okay, I’ll cue the music...

Enter dancing girl, orchestra and man Polonius selling ice-creams.

Lights fade, audience boo.