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Hair Hates Hats
by Rose DeShaw

When humans were new on the planet, the alien called HAIR sneaked in and made its home on top of our brains. Which explains everything.

Bald guys are off the hook. Everybody else has to deal, especially movie stars. Hair doesn’t like to be messed with. Which explains the early demise of Marilyn Monroe and Jean Harlow, neither one natural blondes. It also explains why fancy Hollywood HAIR wearers as well as pop stars, seem a little spacey, as though they’re listening to something no one else can hear. It’s the alien on their heads.

Proof? Hat hair. HAIR hates not being able to see. It will take revenge even if your ears are in danger of falling off in the cold. HAIR’s payback is professionally documented on driver’s licenses and passport pictures the world over.

Yes, HAIR has it tributaries elsewhere on the body, to hinder propagation anyway it can. Look at those ads about ‘unsightly hairs.’ HAIR hates those. What HAIR is up to with moustaches, goatees and beards doesn’t bear thinking about. Don’t tell me you’ve never waked up at 3AM asking yourself why HAIR positions itself around the bodily orifices?

The popular image of green and slimy aliens is a HAIR invention to throw us off the trail. Plus it charms us. Humans admire their own HAIR in the mirror, its color and curl. Women use it for flirting, men let it hang from their chins.

HAIR wants to see in all directions, act as our own little GPS system. Ever think about why you start out to do something and find yourself doing something else altogether? Or enter a room and not be able to remember what you went for? HAIR having its little joke.

Has no one noticed how great HAIR looks just before an appointment? HAIR doesn’t want to be messed with, especially cut. Ever wonder why there are so many HAIR commercials and products? No other body parts get the same attention.

Be aware of HAIR’S moods. When HAIR loses volume, looks lifeless, stay away from the tops of high buildings, even the tops of stairs. Cross only in the crosswalks till HAIR has recovered.

What can be done? Baldly fight or befriend. Most opt for treating HAIR like a pet with special conditioners and shampoos, talking to it when alone and putting its needs first. “I can’t go out in this rain. It will ruin my HAIR!” some HAIR groupie will say -

(Note to self - Surely I’m not alone in figuring this out? I’ll tell the world and others will join me and we’ll all be safe though bald as science fiction actors )– URK! ARGHHH! SPLAT!


NOTE FROM THE EXECUTOR – This piece forwarded to you as submitting it was obviously the writer’s intent. Unfortunately, her head half-shaved, she seems to have succumbed to the lure of an open window. Please do not take this writing seriously. It is hard to believe anyone’s last words could contain such nonsense.