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God Wants You to Be Rich
(But not stupid)

by Tom Speropulos

Triggered by our poor economy, the God Wants You to Be Rich School of Sound Investing now offers tips to their faithful members working on the lay-a-way plan for a passport to the Heavenly Kingdom. The school espouses that if anyone is going to cheat their brothers and sisters over finances, it may as well be one of them.

The mandate for membership is simple enough for those wishing to join. One must maintain a belief in a God, who is invisible, lives in the sky, and needs your money to remain invisible.

In addition, followers must keep a two years’ supply of food and water in their closets, a loaded weapon in every room of their home, and a government issued photo I.D. proving they are U.S. citizens. Further, they must be willing to brandish their weapons at the slightest provocation, along with a hardbound copy of The Rapture, Here Today, And Gone Tomorrow, before ascension.

However, trouble in paradise was discovered when those members (looking for ways to pay off their past due tithing) invested in the For the Love of Christ Bible School Science Center. The school, seeking investors for one of their leader’s creations, announced that they and scientists in Malaysia were on the brink of being able to turn used cardboard boxes into ground beef. Unfazed by the lack of any credibility, and despite the potential fire hazard, the investing members all eagerly complied as they all lined up for their shearing and fleecing.

Unfortunately for the investors, they learned the test trials were halted after only one conversion attempt. News reports from Malaysia stated that when word of the seeming success spread, the impoverished local natives began rioting and stormed alleyways throughout the countryside, shouting, “Where’s the beef?” During their rampage, they carted off a two-year’s supply of cardboard boxes from dumpsters, the scientists and their equipment, and several jars of sliced dill pickles. To make matters worse, the flocked investors learned that large quantities of antacids were also stolen from a nearby pharmacy during the riots. This led some to speculate the possibility of serious side effects from any conversion. The scientist in charge explained this could be a wait-and-see investment, and they’ll get their reward in Heaven and not in US dollars.

Incensed, or as much as good Christians can be incensed, by the magnitude of the event (being duped), they saw the light and promptly turned their backs; shunning the scientist, which is their custom. Meanwhile, members of the Church Mafia (an oxymoron, by all accounts) packaged up the scientist in a cardboard box with a hardback copy of Your Best Life is Now, by Joel Osteen, tied to his feet and sent him off parcel post to the Celestial Kingdom to meet his fate. “God wants you to be rich but not stupid…” one of the C.M. members was overheard saying, as the scoundrel was shipped out postage due.