God Wants You to
Be Rich
(But not stupid)
by Tom
Speropulos
Triggered by our poor
economy, the God Wants You to Be Rich School of
Sound Investing now offers tips to their faithful
members working on the lay-a-way plan for a
passport to the Heavenly Kingdom. The school
espouses that if anyone is going to cheat
their brothers and sisters over finances, it may
as well be one of them.
The mandate for membership
is simple enough for those wishing to join. One
must maintain a belief in a God, who is invisible,
lives in the sky, and needs your money to remain
invisible.
In addition, followers must
keep a two years’ supply of food and water
in their closets, a loaded weapon in every room
of their home, and a government issued photo I.D.
proving they are U.S. citizens. Further, they
must be willing to brandish their weapons at the
slightest provocation, along with a hardbound
copy of The Rapture, Here Today, And Gone
Tomorrow, before ascension.
However, trouble in
paradise was discovered when those members (looking
for ways to pay off their past due tithing)
invested in the For the Love of Christ Bible
School Science Center. The school, seeking
investors for one of their leader’s
creations, announced that they and scientists in
Malaysia were on the brink of being able to turn
used cardboard boxes into ground beef. Unfazed by
the lack of any credibility, and despite the
potential fire hazard, the investing members all
eagerly complied as they all lined up for their
shearing and fleecing.
Unfortunately for the
investors, they learned the test trials were
halted after only one conversion attempt. News
reports from Malaysia stated that when word of
the seeming success spread, the impoverished
local natives began rioting and stormed alleyways
throughout the countryside, shouting,
“Where’s the beef?” During their
rampage, they carted off a two-year’s supply
of cardboard boxes from dumpsters, the scientists
and their equipment, and several jars of sliced
dill pickles. To make matters worse, the flocked
investors learned that large quantities of
antacids were also stolen from a nearby pharmacy
during the riots. This led some to speculate the
possibility of serious side effects from any
conversion. The scientist in charge explained
this could be a wait-and-see investment, and
they’ll get their reward in Heaven and not
in US dollars.
Incensed, or as much as
good Christians can be incensed, by the magnitude
of the event (being duped), they saw the light
and promptly turned their backs; shunning the
scientist, which is their custom. Meanwhile,
members of the Church Mafia (an oxymoron, by all
accounts) packaged up the scientist in a
cardboard box with a hardback copy of Your
Best Life is Now, by Joel Osteen, tied to his
feet and sent him off parcel post to the
Celestial Kingdom to meet his fate. “God
wants you to be rich but not stupid…”
one of the C.M. members was overheard saying, as
the scoundrel was shipped out postage due.
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