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Family Fun Day
by Jerry Guarino

This is the story of the Wilson family from Big Harbor, Washington. They own a bed and breakfast inn, a water taxi service and a pirate fishing boat charter company. Big Harbor is a scenic family community with views of Mount Rainier and a leisurely boat ride to Seattle.

Linda Wilson (like a young Jennifer Aniston) is standing at the water taxi counter. Behind her we can see the harbor, blue sky and white clouds. A perfect June day. Customers are paying for their fare from Big Harbor to Seattle for a sightseeing day. On the counter is a sign with a website address and words:

Text your pictures to the Wilson Family Fun Page.

Linda counts out tickets for the tourists.

“Here are your tickets. The taxi will leave from dock number one in 15 minutes.”

Six men and women wearing Seahawks jerseys and carrying briefcases walk by. A passenger notices.

“There can’t be a game today. It’s the middle of June.”

Linda is not surprised. “No, they always dress that way.”

Linda’s brother Doug, one of the taxi pilots, walks in.

“How many this morning sis?”

“Eighteen, a full boat.”

“Great. These summer tourists are so easy going.”

Doug’s mechanic Bill comes in.

“I just adjusted the idle. You’re all set to sail Doug.”

“Thanks Bill. What about taxi number 2?”

“It will be ready for Linda’s afternoon run later.”

“Doug, will you be coming to the inn tonight for a drink to help celebrate mom and dad’s anniversary?”

“Sorry Linda. Got a date.”

“My bachelor brother. Anyone I know?”

“Actually, it’s Susan from U dub.”

“The cheerleader from college. How did you find her?”

“She found me. Haven’t seen her in years.” Doug smiles.

“All right. No details please. Go load your passengers.”

Uncle Jake walks up to the counter. He’s wearing a black and white t-shirt with the words Jake’s Pirate Fishing ARGH. Jake looks every much like what you can imagine, an old, crazy pirate, a cross between Danny DeVito and Gary Bussy. He even peppers his speech with pirate snarls.

“Aye, Linda my sweet niece. Have you seen my passengers?”

“Did you lose another group uncle?”

“I don’t think so. There are six Japanese tourists. Told them to be here by eight.”

Right on cue, six Japanese men come in with fishing gear, cameras and expensive outfits. Two of the men are wearing the same t-shirt as Jake.

“Never mind. Here they are.” He bows. “Konichiwa.”

“Konichiwa, master Jake. We are ready to catch big salmon.”

“And photograph them too, I see.”

“We want to document the trip for our family back in Japan.”

“Men, you’re in luck. We have WIFI on the boat. You can send them pictures of your catch. Password ARGH.”

The tourists raise their arms in unison. “ARGH”.

“And you can bring your catch to Laura at the Japanese restaurant. She’ll prepare it for your dinner.”


“All right mateys. Follow me. To da fish! Argh!”


The men follow Jake to the charter boat and sing loudly.

“To da fish! ARGH!”

Meanwhile, back at the inn. Linda and Doug’s father Bob is serving breakfast to the late risers.

“There you go, Mrs. Javier. A nice omelet. Would you like anything else?”

“No thank you. This is lovely.”

Bob joins his wife Nancy at the reception desk.

“We’ve had a good season so far. I just hope we have good weather from now on. We lost a lot of business last winter.”

“We’ve always paid our bills dear. Later today, we have that group from San Francisco, the tech executives. They took all six rooms for three nights.”

“I hope they won’t be any trouble. What do you know about them?”

“They are very wealthy and paid in advance, including a heathy tip.”

Maria, the maid walks up, wearing a sexy outfit.

“Mrs. Wilson. Did that group from San Francisco come in yet?”

“Not yet Maria. This afternoon. Doug is picking them up in Seattle about 1 o’clock.”

Maria points to the guests in the dining room.

“So, these people are checking out?”

“Yes, but all six rooms will be booked tonight. You’ll need to have them ready by two.”

“Very good ma’am.” Maria leaves.

Bob glances at his wife. “I thought you were going to talk to Maria about her outfits.”

“Bob, she’s such a great worker. So, what if she shows a little. I don’t think the guests mind.”

“Not the men, anyway. But I saw Mrs. Javier give her a look.”

Back at the taxi counter, Linda gets a ping on her cell phone. She checks the Wilson Family Fun page. Sally, a seaplane pilot, is standing next to her.

“Look Sally, here’s a nice shot of Jake and his Japanese tourists.”

The group shot shows the tourists and Jake standing in front of Jake’s pirate fishing boat, in front of the skull and crossbones flag.

“That crazy Jake. How did he manage to make that boat look like a real pirate ship?”

“Remnants of his time in the navy.”

“Which navy?”

“Exactly. You would have to know my uncle.”

“I know him pretty well Linda. We were partying last night. Now where are those two lawyers that wanted to fly to Vancouver Island?”

“Haven’t seen them yet. Are you quite all right Sally?”


“Well, you just look a little disheveled. Did you get enough sleep?”

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead Linda.”

“Well, Jake looks like that all the time, but you’re going to pilot a seaplane.”

“Back in the war, I was half asleep most of the time. Never affected my flying. Only those wimpy liberals would mind.”

“At least do something with your hair. Oh, there are the lawyers.”

Sally brushes her wild hair quickly.

“Over here boys. Ready to fly?”

The lawyers reluctantly follow Sally to the seaplane.


Back on the taxi, Doug is chatting with his passengers.

“So how is everything this fine Northwest day? See. It doesn’t rain all the time.”

“I guess that’s a myth.”

Doug gestures like he’s telling a secret. “We tell people that to keep them from moving here.” They chuckle.

“Look. There’s one of the big ferries. They look like fun.”

“Oh, they are, but a lot slower than we are and you would have to drive ten miles just to board. Not like us, right here in Big Harbor.”

“Doug, where should we go for lunch in Seattle?”

“Pike Place Market. Lots of restaurants. But go to the space needle first, before the crowds start.”

“All right. And you’ll return to take us back to Big Harbor at five?”

“Well, I won’t. But my sister Linda will be picking you up right where I drop you off. You’ll be back in time for dinner. Where are you eating?”

“Laura’s Japanese. Sushi and Steak.”

“Good choice.”


At the taxi counter, Linda hears another ping on her phone. She looks down and sees a picture of the Japanese tourists making Jake walk the plank. Jake is tied up with a gag in his mouth. She shouts to Bill.

“Bill, come quick.”

“I saw it Linda. I’ll go rescue him.”


Later that morning, Nancy and Bob are clearing the dining room and checking out the guests.

“That was a nice group Bob. We’re all ready for the tech people. Do we have enough snacks and drinks for happy hour?”

“Yes, I stocked up. These millennials can really put it away.”

“And what about us? You promised me a night out.”

“No worries, sweetheart. We’re going to the best restaurant in Big Harbor, then back home for a romantic evening.”

“Oh Bob, you remembered.”

“Yes, of course, our anniversary. Doug and Linda are supposed to stop by for a drink at six.”

“I’ll put a bottle of champagne in the cooler. I can’t wait.”


Bill finds the Japanese and Jake. He pulls him out of the water. Everyone is laughing.

“What’s going on here Jake?”

“Just having some fun with Linda. ARGH.”

The tourists parrot Jake in unison.


“Well, you scared her half to death. Try to think before you post to the family website.”

“We will. Ahoy Bill.”

“Ahoy mateys.”

Bill returns to the harbor.

Linda greets Bill at the dock.

“Is everything OK Bill?”

“Not to worry Linda. Jake and the tourists were just having some fun with us.”

“Oh, thank God. Jake sure has a weird sense of humor.”

“You mean, besides thinking he’s a pirate? When did that happen anyway?

“He was in the navy. Assigned to Hawaii after the war. Hung out with a questionable crowd on the weekends. Some guy gave tourists rides in a pirate boat.”

“Guess he really liked the idea.”

“Yes, but sometimes I think he plays it a little too real.”




Doug has returned from Seattle with the tech executives. It’s two o’clock. Eighteen very attractive men and women are checking in for their working weekend. The flirting indicates they are very familiar with each other. Bob and Nancy’s daughter Debbie is checking them in.

She overhears some chatting.

“What a charming place. Think we’ll get any work done?”

“Maybe before dinner.”

Debbie whispers to her mom. “Mom, eighteen guests in six rooms?”

“Yes dear. I guess they know each other very well.”

“I’ll bet. But what if they party all night?”

“Well, they’re the only ones here, so you’ll just have to deal with it.”

“What about the sleeping arrangements?”

“They told me not to worry. I guess they move around.”

“Yikes. Sounds decadent.”

“Then I’m sure they will be happy guests. Cest la vie Debbie.”

“Does pop know about this?”

“Yes, he booked them from the website.”

Bob walks up.

“Just sign here and we’ll get your room keys.”

“No need to assign rooms. We work it out.”

The group salters off to the rooms.

“Pop, nine men and nine women in six rooms?”

“Don’t worry dear. I’m sure there will be room for sleeping. Two queen beds in each room.”

“Yes, and what else?”

“Deb. These people make a lot of money. Their lifestyle isn’t exactly like Big Harbor.”

“But I’m on duty tonight. What if I see something inappropriate?”

“Just don’t get too involved dear. Keep it professional. Unless you’re looking for a husband.” Bob laughs, but Deb doesn’t.

“Pop, I don’t think any of these men would be an appropriate husband. Wait a minute, maybe him.”

“Well, Bill said to give him a call if you need help, if anything gets out of hand. Or you can just call us.”

“Not on your special night. It looks like I’ll be doing a lot of cleanup in the morning.”

“Well, remember, Maria will be helping.”


It’s 4:30pm and Linda is bringing the morning crowd back to Big Harbor.

“Well, how was everyone’s day?”

“Wonderful. The space needle and Pike’s Place Market. We even went on the big Ferris wheel.”

Linda points up to the sky.

“Glad to hear it. Should be a beautiful night. Thanks for taking Wilson’s Water Taxi.”

Linda’s phone beeps. It’s a text message from a secret admirer.

Can we meet for a drink tonight?

Linda replies. Who is this?

Someone who misses you very much.

All right, but let’s make it coffee, around eight o’clock, at the coffee shop.

I’ll be there.


Susan and Doug are meeting at the sports bar. She’s beautiful, maybe too beautiful. She gives Doug a hug and a long kiss. He gazes into her eyes.

“Well, that was nice. How are you Susan?”

“Great now. I see you are as handsome as when we were in college.”

“And you look even prettier, if that’s possible. What have you been doing?”

“Oh, Doug. Unfortunately, it’s a long and sad story.”

“I’m here if you want to share it.”

“All right, but I warned you. It started after we graduated. I went to Europe, a present from my parents, to celebrate.”

“Yes, I remember.”

“I was in France, having a great time, when I met a painter. Oh Doug, you should have seen his paintings, wonderful landscapes of the countryside.”

“And then?”

“Well, he asked me to dinner, and of course he didn’t have much money. We wound up eating at one of those cafes, and not one of the good ones. But his aura made up for his lack of money. He was a true starving artist.”

Doug gestures to the waitress.

“Can we have a carafe of white wine?”

“Well, I went to where he lived. You could hardly call it an apartment. No better than a dorm room.”


“No, just very cluttered. Paint brushes and canvases everywhere. Clothing tossed around. Like a teenager’s room.”

“Didn’t you want to get out of there?”

“That’s just it. The honesty of the place got to me. He was clearly focused on his art, not superficial things.”

The waitress pours them two glasses of wine.

“But wasn’t this a first date? He didn’t clean up before taking you to his home?”

“Incredible, isn’t it?”

“And apparently no shame.”

“Not at all. It really spoke to me.”

“Must have been the French aura.”


Doug signals the waitress.

“And a couple of burgers please.”

“Ah, the French aura. You need to see Paris Doug. It will engulf you.”

“Not sure I want that.”

“He had this radio, a real relic. And he dialed up some French music.”


“And he asked me to dance! Can you believe that, in that cluttered one room apartment?”

“A real Romeo.”

“Yes. So romantic.”

“Susan, does this story have an ending?”

“Well, he tied me to the bed. At the time, I thought it was very romantic. Then, the most unusual thing happened.”



Bob and Nancy are finally out at their anniversary dinner. Bob raises his wine glass.

“Here’s to us darling. We made our dreams come true.”

“It’s been a wonderful life. Three great children, a family business. Now if we could just marry them off and get some grandchildren.”

“Well, I don’t see that happening yet. They still have some wild oats to sow.”

“We were married with Doug by the age Debbie is now.”

Bob’s phone pings. A signal that someone has posted a picture on the Wilson Family Fun webpage. Nancy frowns.

“Oh Bob, turn that off. Tonight, is just for us.”

He turns off the phone without looking at the picture.


Back at the sports bar, Susan is continuing her story.

“Doug, it was the hottest sex I ever had, even better than that weekend we had in Canada.”

Doug is blushing.

“As good as that?”

“But the story gets stranger. That weekend, he took me on a picnic to the South of France.”

Doug rolls he eyes.

“On a scooter?”

“How did you guess? It was kind of a long ride.”


“We had finished eating, looking out on the water, sand on our feet. He said to me ‘I have a surprise for you’.”

“More sex?”

“Not yet. He took me to a castle. We walked up these circular stone stairs. He led me into a tower to see the view. Then, you’ll never guess what happened.”

“A dragon appears?”

“No, he locked me in and left. I thought it might be another one of his sexual games.”

“I hope not.”

“No, he just left.”

“That’s a very strange story Susan. Did you ever see him again?”

“Well, to make a long story short…”

Doug mimes to himself too late.

“…I was rescued by some CIA types, but French, whatever they’re called. They took me to an office where they interrogated me.”

“I see.”

After an hour, Doug was convinced that Susan was nuts, but he kept listening for two reasons. 1) to find out how the story ended and 2) well, you know.


Dinnertime at Laura’s Japanese Steak House. The tech professionals are seated around one teppan (grill top), and the Japanese tourists, along with Jake and Bill are seated around another. One of the Japanese tourists was enjoying their joke.

“We really fooled you guys with our picture.”

Bill was not amused.

“Yes, you got us.”

All the Japanese tourists resounded loudly, arms raised.


Jake shows the picture to Bill.

“No hard feelings, my friend?”

“No, but you’re paying for my dinner.”

Meanwhile, at the other teppan, the tech professional men have paired off with the women, all openly flirting with each other. One of the men raises a glass to toast.

“Here’s to a productive day!”


The men and women exchange kisses. Heather, (32) the senior partner adds.

“And to an even more productive night!”

“Here, here Heather.”

It was clear that the night would be a party of such debauchery that the Wilsons would blush, and perhaps have to call the police. It was a good thing they would be out.

The owner, Laura (an Asian beauty, like Lucy Liu) came to their table.

“Well, you seem to be having a great time. Your chef will be out in a minute.”

“We are. What a great town. We’re having a party later at the inn. Would you like to come?”

Laura pauses. “Oh, maybe, what room?”

Each of the men shout out a different room number. Heather replies for them.

“Let’s just say you can start in room 2B.”


Back at the sports bar, Susan is finally finishing her story.

“So, what do you think of my adventure?”

“It’s a great story. You should get it published.”

“Maybe tomorrow. Would you like to go back to my hotel now?”

With nary a pause, Doug replies. “Of course.”

They leave hand in hand.


Back at the inn, each of the couples, and triples, are making out, drinking and wandering back and forth to the rooms, all with open doors now. The tech pros have linked their phones to portable speakers. Each room has a different song genre, from romantic, to jazz, to dance music. Everyone is feeling fine, in various states of undress. In one room we see Maria making out with one of the men and Laura making out with Heather. Debbie bursts in, trying to settle them down.

“Hey guys. You’re going to have to lower the music. This is a quiet town at night.”

“All right. Listen people, turn down your music.”

“Thank you.”

“Can you join us Debbie?”

Debbie is somewhat surprised but smiling.

“No, that wouldn’t be right. I have to stand by the front desk.”

“But we have all the rooms. No one else will be going down there for anything. C’mon. Have a drink.”

“Well, maybe just one.”

Debbie immediately kisses him, and, in a tight clinch, they fall to a sofa.

“You sure know how to party. And you all work together?”

“Oh, yes. Every day.”

“So, this isn’t the first time you’ve partied like this?”

“Actually, it’s how we spend our weekends. We put in so many hours, we don’t have time to date.”


Linda walks in to the coffee shop to see Tom, a lawyer she used to date. He tries to hug her, but she resists.

“I’m still mad at you.”

“I know. I was terrible. Can’t we try again?”

“Give me a reason it won’t happen again.”

“Well, for one thing. I’m not married anymore.”

“You’re going to have to do better than that.”

“Just let me get us some coffee and I’ll explain.”

“All right.”


Back at the inn, the six Japanese tourists have arrived, each wearing a Pirate Fishing ARGH t-shirt, holding a bottle of beer and singing.

“Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s life for me.” Clearly, they have been drinking for a while.

One of the tech men welcomes them in.

“Hey, join the party guys. We saw you at Laura’s steakhouse.”

“Aye, a fine meal. But now we’re looking to pillage and plunder.”

“Well, I’m not sure about that. But some of the girls might think you’re cute.”

The Japanese tourists, ever ready with their camera phones, start taking pictures and texting them to the Wilson Family Fun page website. You can imagine a montage of pictures including all sorts of people making out, Maria and Debbie with the tech guys, Laura with Heather, Japanese men with tech gals. Numerous pings hit the family fun web page, but only Bill and Linda have their phones on to accepts web pings. Jake checks the website from the front desk. He calls Nancy.

“Yes Jake. Is something wrong?”

“Just the opposite. The inn website is lighting up with reservations. Guess the techies and my Japanese friends told everyone they knew to visit Big Harbor. Your B&B is booked for the next three months.

“That’s wonderful Jake. Thanks for letting me know.”

“Bob, the techies and Jakes tourists turned us on to a lot of business. We’re booked through the summer.”

“And on our ten-year anniversary opening the inn. Looks like we’ll make it to number eleven dear.”

They kiss and clink their glasses.


Back at the coffee shop, Linda’s phone pings. She looks at the pictures.

“Oh, Tom, I have to go.”

“What’s up?”

“Unspeakable acts at the B&B.”

“Can I help?”

“You might make it worse.”

Linda texts Bill.

Bill, are you seeing the pictures?

Yes, Linda. I’m on my way.

Bill and Linda arrive at the inn at the same time.

“Bill, what do you think we should do?”

“Now that I see this, I think we can assume that Bob and Nancy haven’t checked the Family Fun Website tonight.”

“No, probably not, or they would be here.”

“So, let’s minimize the damage. Can you erase all the bad pics from the website?”

“I already have.”

“Good, then let’s just go in and make sure no one else is posting. My money is on the Japanese tourists, quick with the camera.”

“That’s a good plan. The tech group is here another two nights and they really aren’t doing anything wrong.”

“No, it’s only the kind of publicity we don’t want.”

Linda finds the Japanese tourists. She makes a polite request.

“Excuse me, can you stop posting to the web page. It wouldn’t be family fun day if my parents saw this.”

“Oh sorry, we meant no harm. In fact, we have been telling everyone we know to come to your lovely B&B.”

“Thank you. I hope you’ll come stay with us next time too.”

“We already made a reservation for September, and with our wives.”

“Great. Let’s just keep this party off the family fun page.”

The Japanese tourist all reply in unison. “ARGH.”

Bill tracks down Maria in one of the bedrooms.

“Maria, are you having fun?”

Blushing, Maria replies. “Why yes, Bill. How did you know?”

“Your make out sessions have been posted on the family web page.”

“Oh, Dios mio!”

She makes a sign of the cross.

“I better go.”

“Don’t worry. Linda erased all the pictures. Just make sure you’re not here when Bob and Nancy get back. I’m pretty sure they won’t be around until morning.”

“Gracias Bill.”

Bill escorts the Japanese tourists out of the B&B and back to their hotel. Arm in arm, and satisfied with food, drink and the company of lovely women from San Francisco, they sing.

“Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s life for me.”

This story has a sequel.