Family Fun Day
by Jerry Guarino
This is the story of the
Wilson family from Big Harbor, Washington. They
own a bed and breakfast inn, a water taxi service
and a pirate fishing boat charter company. Big
Harbor is a scenic family community with views of
Mount Rainier and a leisurely boat ride to
Linda Wilson (like a young Jennifer Aniston) is
standing at the water taxi counter. Behind her we
can see the harbor, blue sky and white clouds. A
perfect June day. Customers are paying for their
fare from Big Harbor to Seattle for a sightseeing
day. On the counter is a sign with a website
address and words:
your pictures to the Wilson Family Fun Page.
Linda counts out tickets
for the tourists.
Here are your tickets. The taxi will leave
from dock number one in 15 minutes.
Six men and women wearing Seahawks jerseys and
carrying briefcases walk by. A passenger notices.
There cant be a game today. Its
the middle of June.
Linda is not surprised. No, they always
dress that way.
Lindas brother Doug, one of the taxi pilots,
How many this morning sis?
Eighteen, a full boat.
Great. These summer tourists are so easy
Dougs mechanic Bill comes in.
I just adjusted the idle. Youre all
set to sail Doug.
Thanks Bill. What about taxi number 2?
It will be ready for Lindas afternoon
Doug, will you be coming to the inn tonight
for a drink to help celebrate mom and dads
Sorry Linda. Got a date.
My bachelor brother. Anyone I know?
Actually, its Susan from U dub.
The cheerleader from college. How did you
She found me. Havent seen her in
years. Doug smiles.
All right. No details please. Go load your
Uncle Jake walks up to the counter. Hes
wearing a black and white t-shirt with the words Jakes
Pirate Fishing ARGH. Jake looks every much
like what you can imagine, an old, crazy pirate,
a cross between Danny DeVito and Gary Bussy. He
even peppers his speech with pirate snarls.
Aye, Linda my sweet niece. Have you seen my
Did you lose another group uncle?
I dont think so. There are six
Japanese tourists. Told them to be here by eight.
Right on cue, six Japanese men come in with
fishing gear, cameras and expensive outfits. Two
of the men are wearing the same t-shirt as Jake.
Never mind. Here they are. He bows.
Konichiwa, master Jake. We are ready to
catch big salmon.
And photograph them too, I see.
We want to document the trip for our family
back in Japan.
Men, youre in luck. We have WIFI on
the boat. You can send them pictures of your
catch. Password ARGH.
The tourists raise their arms in unison. ARGH.
And you can bring your catch to Laura at
the Japanese restaurant. Shell prepare it
for your dinner.
All right mateys. Follow me. To da fish!
The men follow Jake to the charter boat and sing
To da fish! ARGH!
Meanwhile, back at the inn. Linda and Dougs
father Bob is serving breakfast to the late
There you go, Mrs. Javier. A nice omelet.
Would you like anything else?
No thank you. This is lovely.
Bob joins his wife Nancy at the reception desk.
Weve had a good season so far. I just
hope we have good weather from now on. We lost a
lot of business last winter.
Weve always paid our bills dear.
Later today, we have that group from San
Francisco, the tech executives. They took all six
rooms for three nights.
I hope they wont be any trouble. What
do you know about them?
They are very wealthy and paid in advance,
including a heathy tip.
Maria, the maid walks up, wearing a sexy outfit.
Mrs. Wilson. Did that group from San
Francisco come in yet?
Not yet Maria. This afternoon. Doug is
picking them up in Seattle about 1 oclock.
Maria points to the guests in the dining room.
So, these people are checking out?
Yes, but all six rooms will be booked
tonight. Youll need to have them ready by
Very good maam. Maria leaves.
Bob glances at his wife. I thought you were
going to talk to Maria about her outfits.
Bob, shes such a great worker. So,
what if she shows a little. I dont think
the guests mind.
Not the men, anyway. But I saw Mrs. Javier
give her a look.
Back at the taxi counter, Linda gets a ping on
her cell phone. She checks the Wilson Family Fun
page. Sally, a seaplane pilot, is standing next
Look Sally, heres a nice shot of Jake
and his Japanese tourists.
The group shot shows the tourists and Jake
standing in front of Jakes pirate fishing
boat, in front of the skull and crossbones flag.
That crazy Jake. How did he manage to make
that boat look like a real pirate ship?
Remnants of his time in the navy.
Exactly. You would have to know my uncle.
I know him pretty well Linda. We were
partying last night. Now where are those two
lawyers that wanted to fly to Vancouver Island?
Havent seen them yet. Are you quite
all right Sally?
Well, you just look a little disheveled.
Did you get enough sleep?
Ill sleep when Im dead Linda.
Well, Jake looks like that all the time,
but youre going to pilot a seaplane.
Back in the war, I was half asleep most of
the time. Never affected my flying. Only those
wimpy liberals would mind.
At least do something with your hair. Oh,
there are the lawyers.
Sally brushes her wild hair quickly.
Over here boys. Ready to fly?
The lawyers reluctantly follow Sally to the
Back on the taxi, Doug is
chatting with his passengers.
So how is everything this fine Northwest
day? See. It doesnt rain all the time.
I guess thats a myth.
Doug gestures like hes telling a secret.
We tell people that to keep them from
moving here. They chuckle.
Look. Theres one of the big ferries.
They look like fun.
Oh, they are, but a lot slower than we are
and you would have to drive ten miles just to
board. Not like us, right here in Big Harbor.
Doug, where should we go for lunch in
Pike Place Market. Lots of restaurants. But
go to the space needle first, before the crowds
All right. And youll return to take
us back to Big Harbor at five?
Well, I wont. But my sister Linda
will be picking you up right where I drop you off.
Youll be back in time for dinner. Where are
Lauras Japanese. Sushi and Steak.
At the taxi counter, Linda
hears another ping on her phone. She looks down
and sees a picture of the Japanese tourists
making Jake walk the plank. Jake is tied up with
a gag in his mouth. She shouts to Bill.
Bill, come quick.
I saw it Linda. Ill go rescue him.
Later that morning, Nancy
and Bob are clearing the dining room and checking
out the guests.
That was a nice group Bob. Were all
ready for the tech people. Do we have enough
snacks and drinks for happy hour?
Yes, I stocked up. These millennials can
really put it away.
And what about us? You promised me a night
No worries, sweetheart. Were going to
the best restaurant in Big Harbor, then back home
for a romantic evening.
Oh Bob, you remembered.
Yes, of course, our anniversary. Doug and
Linda are supposed to stop by for a drink at six.
Ill put a bottle of champagne in the
cooler. I cant wait.
Bill finds the Japanese and
Jake. He pulls him out of the water. Everyone is
Whats going on here Jake?
Just having some fun with Linda. ARGH.
The tourists parrot Jake in unison.
Well, you scared her half to death. Try to
think before you post to the family website.
We will. Ahoy Bill.
Bill returns to the harbor.
Linda greets Bill at the dock.
Is everything OK Bill?
Not to worry Linda. Jake and the tourists
were just having some fun with us.
Oh, thank God. Jake sure has a weird sense
You mean, besides thinking hes a
pirate? When did that happen anyway?
He was in the navy. Assigned to Hawaii
after the war. Hung out with a questionable crowd
on the weekends. Some guy gave tourists rides in
a pirate boat.
Guess he really liked the idea.
Yes, but sometimes I think he plays it a
little too real.
Doug has returned from
Seattle with the tech executives. Its two oclock.
Eighteen very attractive men and women are
checking in for their working weekend. The
flirting indicates they are very familiar with
each other. Bob and Nancys daughter Debbie
is checking them in.
She overhears some chatting.
What a charming place. Think well get
any work done?
Maybe before dinner.
Debbie whispers to her mom. Mom, eighteen
guests in six rooms?
Yes dear. I guess they know each other very
Ill bet. But what if they party all
Well, theyre the only ones here, so
youll just have to deal with it.
What about the sleeping arrangements?
They told me not to worry. I guess they
Yikes. Sounds decadent.
Then Im sure they will be happy
guests. Cest la vie Debbie.
Does pop know about this?
Yes, he booked them from the website.
Bob walks up.
Just sign here and well get your room
No need to assign rooms. We work it out.
The group salters off to the rooms.
Pop, nine men and nine women in six rooms?
Dont worry dear. Im sure there
will be room for sleeping. Two queen beds in each
Yes, and what else?
Deb. These people make a lot of money.
Their lifestyle isnt exactly like Big
But Im on duty tonight. What if I see
Just dont get too involved dear. Keep
it professional. Unless youre looking for a
husband. Bob laughs, but Deb doesnt.
Pop, I dont think any of these men
would be an appropriate husband. Wait a minute,
Well, Bill said to give him a call if you
need help, if anything gets out of hand. Or you
can just call us.
Not on your special night. It looks like Ill
be doing a lot of cleanup in the morning.
Well, remember, Maria will be helping.
Its 4:30pm and Linda
is bringing the morning crowd back to Big Harbor.
Well, how was everyones day?
Wonderful. The space needle and Pikes
Place Market. We even went on the big Ferris
Linda points up to the sky.
Glad to hear it. Should be a beautiful
night. Thanks for taking Wilsons Water Taxi.
Lindas phone beeps. Its a text
message from a secret admirer.
Can we meet for a drink tonight?
Linda replies. Who is this?
Someone who misses you very much.
All right, but lets make it coffee, around
eight oclock, at the coffee shop.
Ill be there.
Susan and Doug are meeting
at the sports bar. Shes beautiful, maybe
too beautiful. She gives Doug a hug and a long
kiss. He gazes into her eyes.
Well, that was nice. How are you Susan?
Great now. I see you are as handsome as
when we were in college.
And you look even prettier, if thats
possible. What have you been doing?
Oh, Doug. Unfortunately, its a long
and sad story.
Im here if you want to share it.
All right, but I warned you. It started
after we graduated. I went to Europe, a present
from my parents, to celebrate.
Yes, I remember.
I was in France, having a great time, when
I met a painter. Oh Doug, you should have seen
his paintings, wonderful landscapes of the
Well, he asked me to dinner, and of course
he didnt have much money. We wound up
eating at one of those cafes, and not one of the
good ones. But his aura made up for his lack of
money. He was a true starving artist.
Doug gestures to the waitress.
Can we have a carafe of white wine?
Well, I went to where he lived. You could
hardly call it an apartment. No better than a
No, just very cluttered. Paint brushes and
canvases everywhere. Clothing tossed around. Like
a teenagers room.
Didnt you want to get out of there?
Thats just it. The honesty of the
place got to me. He was clearly focused on his
art, not superficial things.
The waitress pours them two glasses of wine.
But wasnt this a first date? He didnt
clean up before taking you to his home?
Incredible, isnt it?
And apparently no shame.
Not at all. It really spoke to me.
Must have been the French aura.
Doug signals the waitress.
And a couple of burgers please.
Ah, the French aura. You need to see Paris
Doug. It will engulf you.
Not sure I want that.
He had this radio, a real relic. And he
dialed up some French music.
And he asked me to dance! Can you believe
that, in that cluttered one room apartment?
A real Romeo.
Yes. So romantic.
Susan, does this story have an ending?
Well, he tied me to the bed. At the time, I
thought it was very romantic. Then, the most
unusual thing happened.
Bob and Nancy are finally
out at their anniversary dinner. Bob raises his
Heres to us darling. We made our
dreams come true.
Its been a wonderful life. Three
great children, a family business. Now if we
could just marry them off and get some
Well, I dont see that happening yet.
They still have some wild oats to sow.
We were married with Doug by the age Debbie
Bobs phone pings. A signal that someone has
posted a picture on the Wilson Family Fun webpage.
Oh Bob, turn that off. Tonight, is just for
He turns off the phone without looking at the
Back at the sports bar,
Susan is continuing her story.
Doug, it was the hottest sex I ever had,
even better than that weekend we had in Canada.
Doug is blushing.
As good as that?
But the story gets stranger. That weekend,
he took me on a picnic to the South of France.
Doug rolls he eyes.
On a scooter?
How did you guess? It was kind of a long
We had finished eating, looking out on the
water, sand on our feet. He said to me I
have a surprise for you.
Not yet. He took me to a castle. We walked
up these circular stone stairs. He led me into a
tower to see the view. Then, youll never
guess what happened.
A dragon appears?
No, he locked me in and left. I thought it
might be another one of his sexual games.
I hope not.
No, he just left.
Thats a very strange story Susan. Did
you ever see him again?
Well, to make a long story short
Doug mimes to himself too late.
I was rescued by some CIA types, but
French, whatever theyre called. They took
me to an office where they interrogated me.
After an hour, Doug was convinced that Susan was
nuts, but he kept listening for two reasons. 1)
to find out how the story ended and 2) well, you
Dinnertime at Lauras
Japanese Steak House. The tech professionals are
seated around one teppan (grill top), and the
Japanese tourists, along with Jake and Bill are
seated around another. One of the Japanese
tourists was enjoying their joke.
We really fooled you guys with our picture.
Bill was not amused.
Yes, you got us.
All the Japanese tourists resounded loudly, arms
Jake shows the picture to Bill.
No hard feelings, my friend?
No, but youre paying for my dinner.
Meanwhile, at the other teppan, the tech
professional men have paired off with the women,
all openly flirting with each other. One of the
men raises a glass to toast.
Heres to a productive day!
The men and women exchange kisses. Heather, (32)
the senior partner adds.
And to an even more productive night!
Here, here Heather.
It was clear that the night would be a party of
such debauchery that the Wilsons would blush, and
perhaps have to call the police. It was a good
thing they would be out.
The owner, Laura (an Asian beauty, like Lucy Liu)
came to their table.
Well, you seem to be having a great time.
Your chef will be out in a minute.
We are. What a great town. Were
having a party later at the inn. Would you like
Laura pauses. Oh, maybe, what room?
Each of the men shout out a different room number.
Heather replies for them.
Lets just say you can start in room 2B.
Back at the sports bar,
Susan is finally finishing her story.
So, what do you think of my adventure?
Its a great story. You should get it
Maybe tomorrow. Would you like to go back
to my hotel now?
With nary a pause, Doug replies. Of course.
They leave hand in hand.
Back at the inn, each of
the couples, and triples, are making out,
drinking and wandering back and forth to the
rooms, all with open doors now. The tech pros
have linked their phones to portable speakers.
Each room has a different song genre, from
romantic, to jazz, to dance music. Everyone is
feeling fine, in various states of undress. In
one room we see Maria making out with one of the
men and Laura making out with Heather. Debbie
bursts in, trying to settle them down.
Hey guys. Youre going to have to
lower the music. This is a quiet town at night.
All right. Listen people, turn down your
Can you join us Debbie?
Debbie is somewhat surprised but smiling.
No, that wouldnt be right. I have to
stand by the front desk.
But we have all the rooms. No one else will
be going down there for anything. Cmon.
Have a drink.
Well, maybe just one.
Debbie immediately kisses him, and, in a tight
clinch, they fall to a sofa.
You sure know how to party. And you all
Oh, yes. Every day.
So, this isnt the first time youve
partied like this?
Actually, its how we spend our
weekends. We put in so many hours, we dont
have time to date.
Linda walks in to the
coffee shop to see Tom, a lawyer she used to date.
He tries to hug her, but she resists.
Im still mad at you.
I know. I was terrible. Cant we try
Give me a reason it wont happen again.
Well, for one thing. Im not married
Youre going to have to do better than
Just let me get us some coffee and Ill
Back at the inn, the six
Japanese tourists have arrived, each wearing a
Pirate Fishing ARGH t-shirt, holding a bottle of
beer and singing.
Yo ho, yo ho, a pirates life for me.
Clearly, they have been drinking for a while.
One of the tech men welcomes them in.
Hey, join the party guys. We saw you at
Aye, a fine meal. But now were
looking to pillage and plunder.
Well, Im not sure about that. But
some of the girls might think youre cute.
The Japanese tourists, ever ready with their
camera phones, start taking pictures and texting
them to the Wilson Family Fun page website. You
can imagine a montage of pictures including all
sorts of people making out, Maria and Debbie with
the tech guys, Laura with Heather, Japanese men
with tech gals. Numerous pings hit the family fun
web page, but only Bill and Linda have their
phones on to accepts web pings. Jake checks the
website from the front desk. He calls Nancy.
Yes Jake. Is something wrong?
Just the opposite. The inn website is
lighting up with reservations. Guess the techies
and my Japanese friends told everyone they knew
to visit Big Harbor. Your B&B is booked for
the next three months.
Thats wonderful Jake. Thanks for
letting me know.
Bob, the techies and Jakes tourists turned
us on to a lot of business. Were booked
through the summer.
And on our ten-year anniversary opening the
inn. Looks like well make it to number
They kiss and clink their glasses.
Back at the coffee shop,
Lindas phone pings. She looks at the
Oh, Tom, I have to go.
Unspeakable acts at the B&B.
Can I help?
You might make it worse.
Linda texts Bill.
Bill, are you seeing the pictures?
Yes, Linda. Im on my way.
Bill and Linda arrive at the inn at the same time.
Bill, what do you think we should do?
Now that I see this, I think we can assume
that Bob and Nancy havent checked the
Family Fun Website tonight.
No, probably not, or they would be here.
So, lets minimize the damage. Can you
erase all the bad pics from the website?
I already have.
Good, then lets just go in and make
sure no one else is posting. My money is on the
Japanese tourists, quick with the camera.
Thats a good plan. The tech group is
here another two nights and they really arent
doing anything wrong.
No, its only the kind of publicity we
Linda finds the Japanese tourists. She makes a
Excuse me, can you stop posting to the web
page. It wouldnt be family fun day if my
parents saw this.
Oh sorry, we meant no harm. In fact, we
have been telling everyone we know to come to
your lovely B&B.
Thank you. I hope youll come stay
with us next time too.
We already made a reservation for September,
and with our wives.
Great. Lets just keep this party off
the family fun page.
The Japanese tourist all reply in unison. ARGH.
Bill tracks down Maria in one of the bedrooms.
Maria, are you having fun?
Blushing, Maria replies. Why yes, Bill. How
did you know?
Your make out sessions have been posted on
the family web page.
Oh, Dios mio!
She makes a sign of the cross.
I better go.
Dont worry. Linda erased all the
pictures. Just make sure youre not here
when Bob and Nancy get back. Im pretty sure
they wont be around until morning.
Bill escorts the Japanese tourists out of the B&B
and back to their hotel. Arm in arm, and
satisfied with food, drink and the company of
lovely women from San Francisco, they sing.
Yo ho, yo ho, a pirates life for me.
This story has a sequel.