Conflicted
by Jerry Guarino
“But it’s not
really my fault, then is it?” Joseph was
confessing to the psychiatrist. “I mean, we
can’t really control our thoughts, can we?”
“Is that what you
believe?”
“I’m looking for
an answer. You’re the expert. Can anyone
really control their thoughts?”
“Joseph. The mind is a
very complex entity. Are you looking for a
medical answer or a religious one?”
“I didn’t think
there was a difference. I want to know whether my
thinking has implications for my actions.”
“Ah. Then that’s
a medical question. Strictly speaking, this is a
question that has been going on for ages. Will
you be an astronaut or an astronomer? Do you
prefer action or observation? People tend to lean
one-way or the other. From our discussions, I
think you are more of an astronomer, someone who
observes more than acts.”
“Yes, I suppose so. Is
that wrong?”
“Joseph. There is no
right or wrong, only choices. Your life is guided
by your choices.”
“Yes, yes. I know. But
how can choices be neutral? Don’t all
choices point one way or the other?”
“One way or the other?
Your choices are based on your beliefs. Your
beliefs are based on your values. Are we moving
back to the religious implications?”
“I guess. So choices
are neither good nor bad, just what you believe,
what you value?”
“Yes Joseph. I think
that’s a good way to look at it. I suspect
that you are worried about some choices you have
made. Is that it?”
“Are my beliefs
reliable? Are my values in line with society?
What happens if my thoughts are not in line with
my values?”
“Then what you have is
a conflict, a most common part of thinking.
Everyone has these every day. Absolutely normal.
It seems, Joseph, that you are worried about the
moral dilemma, to align your actions with your
values. I think that meeting with your pastor
will help there.”
“OK. Are you saying I
don’t need therapy?”
“Well no. I’m
trying to tell you that religious questions
should be discussed with someone else. I can only
advise you on medical questions, the examination
of your life in less theological terms. I believe
people should have counsel from the right expert.
Your pastor wouldn’t give you advice on
treating a medical condition; you would go to
your doctor. You see. Coincidentally, that’s
all the time we have for today.”
“All right doctor. I’ll
see you again next week.”
***
Joseph was still upset. He
decided to meet with his pastor, to get that
religious perspective his therapist recommended.
“So you see pastor. I’m
conflicted. My thoughts aren’t lining up
with my beliefs, my values.”
“Joseph, this happens
to everyone. Why are you so worried?”
“Well, I worry that I
have improper thoughts and I don’t dismiss
them immediately.”
“What kind of improper
thoughts?”
“Well, you know.
Mostly sexual. Improper sexual thoughts.”
“You can tell me
Joseph. Are you considering infidelity, an affair?”
“This is confidential,
isn’t it?”
“Of course. Unless you
are planning on committing a serious crime.”
“No, nothing illegal
pastor. Just extramarital fantasies.”
“Only fantasies? You
haven’t acted on these feelings yet?”
“No. Just thoughts.”
“Are you unhappy in
your marriage?”
“That’s just it.
I’m very happy. Linda is a wonderful wife,
best friend and a great mother.”
“And as a lover?”
This direct question startled Joseph.
“It’s good. I
just imagine it being better. More exciting.”
“Are these thoughts
related to lovemaking with Linda or the desire to
be with another woman?”
“Well, another woman,
of course.”
“So what you are
saying is that your wife is incapable of
satisfying your sexual desires?”
“Well, I don’t
know. She hasn’t yet.”
“You need to decide
whether it is because of your sexual desires or a
need for a different lover. There’s quite a
difference. Obviously it is all right to want
different sexual experiences with your wife, but
quite wrong to get them outside your marriage.”
“Yes, I can see that.
But are the fantasies, the desires morally wrong?”
“What do you think?”
“I don’t know. I
guess it’s wrong, but I can’t seem to
help it. Even though I enjoy the fantasies, I
feel guilty immediately afterward, if you know
what I mean.”
“Well fantasies are
normal. It’s part of our sinful nature. But
acting on those fantasies is a more serious
matter.”
“So fantasies are all
right?”
“Anything that
distracts us from God is sinful, so fantasies are
not all right. The trouble with fantasies is that
they eventually replace your desire to seek God,
to follow his path for you. Just as the love of
money is a sin, so are immoral fantasies.”
“But why would God
allow me to have these thoughts if it’s
sinful?”
“God gave us free will.
It is our responsibility to use it wisely.”
“What if I never do
anything more than fantasize, never act on my
desires?”
“It is still sin
Joseph, but better than acting out. It seems you
want me to tell you that fantasizing is morally
all right. I can’t do that. But I’m
glad you haven’t acted upon those thoughts.
Have you discussed this with your wife?”
“Heavens no! I could
never tell her that. She would hate me.”
“It might be a way to
get over the guilt you’re feeling for having
them. She might be able to bring your focus back
to her. She may even be having similar thoughts.”
“You think so?”
“It’s possible.
Especially if you’re not giving her what she
needs.”
“I never thought of
that.”
“I didn’t think
so. If you want, you can both come in and talk
with me or your therapist, someone who can guide
the discussion and support both of you.”
“That wasn’t my
thinking when I came in here.”
“Yes Joseph. You were
hoping I would tell you fantasizing was normal
and acceptable to God. Sorry I can’t do that.”
“Thanks pastor. I’ll
think about it.”
“I’ll pray for
you Joseph. Come back and see me again.”
***
Joseph was still conflicted.
His therapist said his fantasies were normal and
his pastor said they were sinful. Both said it
wasn’t appropriate to act on the fantasies.
Why would God allow me
to have these thoughts if it was sinful? Free
will. So I can’t blame God. I want to have
these thoughts.
As Joseph was driving home,
he saw the lovely young women leaving from work,
off to the gym, to meet their boyfriend or for
drinks with girl friends. The twenty something’s
were all so fit, with long hair and clothing that
invited watching. They walked lightly in their
shoes, some high heels, some flats, some with
sneakers. He wished he were twenty something
again himself. He drove around for another half
hour watching, then headed for home.
“I’m home dear.”
He saw his wife, pretty enough for someone in
their 50s.
“Hi Joe. How was your
day?”
“Oh, fine. Nothing
unusual.” He walked over to his wife, put
his arms around her and kissed her. “I love
you.”
“I love you too dear.”
Conflicted
by Jerry Guarino
Copyright August, 2013 – All Rights Reserved
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