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A Well Shaped Walk
by Julie Lye

I walked, well tripped down the lane. I needed to get in shape, what shape I couldn’t say, but any kind of shape would be good.

I’d bought new boots for falling in, new trousers for muddying, a rucksack for my water and sandwiches and a coat with many pockets for stashing my numerous emergency supplies.

My path was blocked by a gate, which I opted to climb over, mid leg-over, the gate swung open with me awkwardly attached.

After disentangling myself from the gate, I looked at my roughly drawn map, I’d turned it all of 360 before I was satisfied I knew where I was.

So where was I? If I walked a half mile to the left I would reach a stream which I could cross quite easily, whereas if I went right for a quarter mile I’d reach a stile into another field which would lead me, after a much longer trek, eventually to the same stream.

A decision needed to be made so I raided my emergency supplies.

This walk was going to do me the world of good, just think how many calories I’d burnt off already, I’d soon be in good shape. I reached in my pocket for another bar of chocolate.

Half a mile later I came across the stream marked on the map. I gave my best run up and jumped, then slid backwards bottom first. Typical! Well I wasn’t going back so I gave it another shot but this time launched myself in a ‘Tigger’ springing action and was surprised to find it worked and I was now on the other side of the stream.

UGHH, my bottom was all wet and muddy. I found a tree stump and placed myself precariously upon it with my rear-end facing the sun as I ate my picnic lunch. An hour passed and my bottom felt a little dryer and my spirits were raised (of course I’d had to prevail upon my emergency supplies again).

Soon I came across a stile which I easily climbed over. It brought me out onto a path which had been well trodden. Thirty minutes later the path became smaller and overgrown. Brambles began to claw at my arms and legs, and bracken and sticky ferns clung to me. My hat was snatched away and my hair pulled and teased as I struggled to push through. I knew there was a road nearby, I’d heard the traffic. I plodded on and as I did my foot found, or should I say my boot slipped into a huge cow pat!  My boot stuck fast, so I loosened the laces, pulled my foot out and scrambled through onto the verge.

I had run out of water and what was left of my emergency supplies had melted into an inedible mess. My bottom hurt, I was hot, tired, thirsty, covered in brambles, with tangled hair and I stank of cow dung.

This was definitely not the ‘good’ shape I had envisioned.