by Gurmeet Mattu
name is Willie McWisdom, the Scottish Sage, and
Im here to solve all your problems, whether
theyre personal, financial or just that
annoying spot on the end of your nose.
Please be assured that I am fully qualified as
well as house trained. The advice I give is based
not only on the ancient wisdom of Old Caledonia,
but also on the fact that laughter is the best
to change my name as I think its rather
boring, only I cant decide what to change
it into. Friends and family have made various
suggestions (some of them quite rude) but I just
cannot settle on something that would suit me.
Ive decided to consult you because I
respect your immense wisdom.
Thank you for
the compliment. I dont think you need to
change your name at all, but merely translate it
into Italian, in which case you will be Giacomo
My husband has
a binge personality. He binge drinks
and eats, but these dont bother me as his
benders usually leave him feeling unwell and so
he suffers for his pleasures. But he has now
started binging on making love which means that I
can get very little housework done during the
weekends. Can you recommend a good mattress?
really want me to recommend a good mattress, do
you? We both know that any mattress that is fit
to be slept on, is fit to make love on. I
suspect, therefore, that you are just using me to
inform your neighbours, that your husband and you
are going at it like rabbits at the weekend.
This may seem
personal, but what are your politics?
I have no
problem with revealing my political affiliations.
I am proud to say that I am a confirmed Marxist
and feel that Groucho would have made a fine
president if he had not been seduced by the dark
side of the force in the shape of Mrs Fluffy
at work, Bernie, has really bad breath. In all
other respects he is totally spick and span so I
cant really discipline him on his hygiene
without invoking an employment tribunal. I also
note that he doesnt have a girlfriend and
this is likely down to his breath. How can I let
him know without appearing rude?
I am about to
reveal to you a secret method of influencing
people subliminally. You must march up to Bernie
and in your loudest voice roar, Your breath
He will, no doubt, be shocked and enquire as to
your reasons for this outburst. You will
then reply that you have taken up amateur
dramatics and were merely rehearsing a line from
your upcoming production. He will have no
option but to accept this, but you will have
planted in his mind the seed of doubt about the
reek of his breath. There is the secret - to be
subliminal, you must shout.