Top Fifteen Ways
Our Adult Children Disappoint Us
by Roz Warren
They live in
the basement with no money, no aspirations and no
job prospects, happy to freeload forever.
They live in a distant city, happy and sufficient,
and never phone us.
They do phone us, but only when they want
They marry a Republican. (Or: They marry a
Democrat.) (Or: They marry a person who
doesnt give a damn about politics.)
They sell the Rauschenberg print we gave them as
a housewarming gift and use the money to buy a
gigantic flat screen TV.
They vacation in St. Barts instead of joining the
clan at the mammoth family gathering at
Uncle Mos place in Bugtussle, Wyoming.
Every thoughtful gift we give them ends up on
display in the living room of our daughter-in-laws
They decide to tell us all about how we ruined
their childhood -- at our 50th birthday party.
When we give grandmas heirloom wedding ring
to our daughter-in-law, she has it reset in a
tiny skull and uses it as a belly button stud.
They go into professions that are immoral,
dangerous, or overly religious. (Or: they go into
professions that are immoral, dangerous, or
When they visit, they wreck the guestroom with
their sexual antics, and their Labradoodle takes
a dump on the oriental rug.
They somehow get the idea that we like porcelain
angels, and thats all they ever get us for
your birthday, holiday gifts and Mothers
When they borrow the car, they change all the
present stations from NPR to Top 40.
They dont have time to spend Thanksgiving
with us, just to stop by to drop off the vintage
catamaran they want to store on our driveway.
When we publish humor pieces complaining about
them, they are not amused.