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There's Only One Mother Teresa
by Rebecca Burke

So do we all need to be constantly vying to take over the dearly departed nun's job? That's what magazines and self-help diet gurus strive to make us believe. Here are some classic examples in the saintly eating habits we should ALL be adopting!

Chew Food 20 Times:

So we should all sit and chew each mouthful 20 times. That way you will savour the congealed mush more and not overeat. That’s because you will be vomiting after having to hold wet sludge like morsels between your cheeks like a hamster on steroids.

Also we should NEVER eat in front of the TV! If we do apparently we don't concentrate on the process of eating. Err sorry...process of eating? I don't need to concentrate on shoving food in my mouth, it goes in and comes out the other side - elementary dear Watson! Yes it's nice to sit with family and talk, but we don't need our family values dictated by some skinny minnie who wishes to stare at her husband over dinner while gingerly nibbling on a lettuce leaf - good luck hun!

Replace Coffee With Green Tea:

What is Green Tea exactly? It looks like stomach bile to be frank. Or loo cleaner. Oh but you mustn’t have coffee far too unhealthy. You must not rely on caffeine to wake you up every morning. Well no that’s assuming you sleep like a baby every night, some of us don't. So when I emerge groggy, tired and feeling like cack am I expected to continue the entire day in the same vein? Sod that! What's the harm in one cup of coffee? It makes me feel human, and avoids any murderous tendencies lack of sleep tends to give me.


Apparently one square of chocolate is good for you. I'm not doubting that I am just questioning the presumption that we all possess rigid self-discipline and are able to stop after just one square. I would have to get the bar the square came from and hide it in an underground vault or mummify it so that my greasy mitts can't go back for more! I have never broken off a "square" of chocolate in my life!

I am so fed up of these so called experts who presume there is one general rule for dieting one way of eating that is universal to all and we should all adhere to it. Failure to adhere to it somehow makes us rebels and if we skip breakfast or eat past 8pm we should go sit in the naughty corner. Listen I eat when I want to - I am not going to watch the clock and say "Right that's it now 8pm curfew has arrived nil by mouth now!" We all have different bodies and different processes when it comes to eating and losing weight. Stick that in your bowl of Special K and smoke it!