The Short Humour Site

Home : Writers' Showcase : Submission Guidelines : A Man of a Few More Words : Links

Writers' Showcase

The Opposite Effect
by Linda Garnett

The exhausted vampire went to see the village witch doctor.

"I'm suffering from insomnia, Doc."

"Tell me when this started."

"I had a beautiful accountant for dinner a week ago. When I bit her, I realized I'd made a terrible mistake. She tasted like sugar. Her perfume had masked the smell of it."

"What's wrong with a sweet tasting neck?" said the witch doctor.

"All vampires know that's what workaholics taste like. We avoid them because one bite gives a shot of adrenaline that lasts for weeks and when it wears off, we become insomniacs."

"Doesn't the insomnia also wear off after a while?"

"No. We eventually get too exhausted to bite anyone and we starve to death."

"That's definitely a downside. Why come to me?"

"Witch doctors have potions for everything don't they?" said the vampire.

"Mine are usually for love, but let me check my manual." The witch doctor opened a large tattered book on his desk and read through several pages.

"It says here that no potion is available, but to try ancestral sleeping practices in this order. First is to sleep in a coffin."

"I can't Doc, I'm claustrophobic."

"Second practice is to sleep hanging upside down."

"Tried that last night. I was hanging from a tree in my yard when my neighbors called animal control. They thought I was a bear."

"I have an idea. Wait here while I cook up something in my lab."

He left the office and came back a few minutes later with a bottle of purple liquid. 

"I think this will make you feel like yourself again."

The vampire drank the potion in one gulp. He stood up and grabbed his throat as his eyes bulged. His skin turned blue, then green and purple. His body started to spin around the room at a rapid pace. After a few seconds, the spinning abruptly stopped and there stood Elvis Presley singing 'All Shook Up'. The witch doctor saw an opportunity to become very wealthy. Elvis made endless television appearances, did a world-wide tour and later he retired to perform shows 24/7 in Las Vegas, The City That Never Sleeps.