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The Humpty Dumpty Cantata
by David Macpherson

1. Humpty Dumpty was that guy who would exclaim that he felt egg-cellent. "Sunny side up," He'd exclaim, "Always sunny side up." The buttons on his satin waistcoat shone like perky super novas. So when the frying pan (the great short order trickster of these tales) said, "Friend Dumpty, it is a lovely day, let us repair to yon wall and partake in the sunshine. Humpty Dumpty said, "That is a capital notion, shell we go together?"

2. Some historians have floated the notion that Humpty Dumpty is about Richard III. You have a hump, you have horse, you have things that will not be put back the way they once were. Or it can just be a funny little quatrain. Something to make the little ones smile and that should be an oeuf.

3. When the King's Men CSI arrived at the "scene" they put flags on each shell shard. They tracked the egg white splatter pattern. They deduced this was no naturally occurring great fall. This egg had been scrambled most foul. On hearing this, the shards of Humpty shouted, "Poached. My life has been poached."

4. Pop quiz. Taking the Humpty Dumpty rhyme as scripture, what is Humpty Dumpty? If you said egg, you should then ask what in the poem tells you that that is so. What Victorian children's book illustration or leap of faith tells us what is an egg and what is merely a broken man jigsawed on the ground?

5. With a deft hand, HD cracked the eggs and let them slide onto the hot pan. The whites hardened and danced in the butter. HD looked at the suit hanging off the back of the kitchen chair. It still looked good and rich, the buttons still shone. He wondered how much he'd get for it on EBay. Not that it would help him out of the hole he was in. The eggs were done and looked delicious. With a wrist flick, he tossed them into the trash. He felt the heat coming from the frying pan, all that potential energy. He released his grip and the pan followed the egg into the garbage. When he left out the back, he didn't bother to close the door.

6. They tried, but they couldn't put Humpty together again. He was shattered. Humpty laughed in his kalidescopic voice, "Well I guess the yolks on me." One of the King's Horses suppressed a groan and said, "Never ends. A guy like that, no matter how bad it gets, can't stop himself from cracking wise. Just won't learn."