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The Guitar Lesson
by Jeff Burton

Okay then, let's begin by learning a chord. We'll start with the A chord because it's relatively easy to play. First, take your index finger and place it just behind the second fret of your D string.

No, your left hand. On the D string. It's the third string from the top.

Yes, I know D is the fourth letter in the alphabet, but the strings aren't arranged in alphabetical order.

Yes, it might be a good idea if they were.

Just behind the second fret. The frets are those silver metal things going across the neck of your guitar.

Yes, I suppose there are a lot of new words to learn.

No, just behind the second fret. That's the third fret. Now you're on the G string. The D string, just behind the second fret.

Look, see my finger? Put your finger where mine is.

No, I didn't mean put your finger on top of mine, I meant put your finger on YOUR guitar where mine is on MY guitar. Yes, I can see that would be a little confusing.

No, just BEHIND the fret, not on it. Now you're on the E string. Third string down, the D string. No, not the third fret, just behind the second fret.

Push down a little with your finger tip. Yes, it will feel uncomfortable to start with but you'll get used to it. No, the D string, second fret. Now pluck the string. No, that doesn't sound very good does it? But you've moved your finger again. The SECOND fret, just behind the fret bar. No, the D string.

Yes, that is an interesting thought. We're starting on the D string even though we're making an A chord because A chords have three notes in them, A, E and C#. Yes, I know there's no D in there, that's why we need to put our finger on the D string, to change it's note to an E. No, we're not learning an E chord. Remember the A chord has an E note in it? Yes, it IS confusing. Could we just get back to the second fret of the D string? No, I'm not getting cross. Second fret. Just behind the fret bar. Third string. Now pluck it.

Look, you just moved your finger again. What on earth is wrong with you? Second fret, third string. No, not third fret second string. The D string. Yes, I know D is not A. Look, I just explained all this.

Put your finger on the D string at the second fret. Good grief, the D string! Was your brain deprived of oxygen at birth? The D string, the third string. No, not third from the bottom! From the top! Put your finger there. No, your left hand you idiot! Your index finger. Yes, the one you point with. No, it's not rude if you're playing guitar. Seriously, are you having some kind of mental breakdown? The second fret. Look at your fat little finger! It's on the fifth fret of E string! I said the D string, the second fret. Look where my finger is. See it? It's on the end of my hand on the guitar fretboard, you moron. No, my left hand. God! Did someone bring you here? I hope you didn't drive. Time's up.