The Short Humour Site

Home : Writers' Showcase : Submission Guidelines : A Man of a Few More Words : Links

Writers' Showcase

Sweet Reason
by Tony R. Lindsay

I’m devoted to an activity that floods my mind with wisdom and informs me of historical matters, as well as current happenings. However, a judicious selection of programming is essential to keep my faculties honed to a razor’s edge. I lean back in my recliner with a beer, chips, and a bologna sandwich.

My first selection is “Sex and The City.” A hormonally-charged, middle-aged woman complains about the youthfulness of her new love interest. “Hardly old enough to shave, but old enough.”

 Interesting stuff. But there must be something more educational.

A click of the remote produces the answer to my quest for enlightenment. The star of “Reverend John Haghebe Today” impresses me as a man with all the answers. In case you’ve missed John Haghebe, he’s a rotund fellow who speaks with great authority. He’s God’s man all right, but I think he should watch his diet.

I write down the address to send a donation for what John Haghebe refers to as “sowing seeds.” Haghebe assures me I will reap a bountiful harvest from the garden of his ministry. Checkbook in hand, I begin to write when the preacher announces his intention to share one more story. That is something that annoys me about television evangelists. Why must they s-h-a-r-e with us their experiences? Why don’t they just tell us tell us what happened?  I tear the check in half and reach for the remote.  

My next stop is Black Entertainment Television. Where do they find so many gorgeous and friendly women? Each female is brimming over with affection and better looking than the last. The problem with BET is they feature more ugly hoods than alluring ladies. There’s another thing. It’s probably my fault, but I can’t understand a word they’re singing. Without the guys and without the music, BET would be a wonderful channel.

I move on to “The 900 Club.” Pat Bobs is my kind of guy. He knew before any of us that Hurricane Katrina was an example of the wrath of God. I applaud a man with courage to match his convictions. But, to be honest, I wish his pronouncements were a little more aligned with sweet reason.

The remote slips from my lap and falls to the floor. I retrieve the gadget and try to select another channel, but the darn thing refuses to move. Wonder if “you-know-who” is punishing me for something I said about the righteous Pat Bobs.

I finally manage to click through several more channels until I come to “Blue’s Clues” on the Preschool Network. The show features a sissy boy and his cartoon dog. I try to be modest, but frankly, I didn’t find the program intellectually challenging. After about twenty-five minutes, I click some more.   

My attention peaks when I land on a channel featuring “Body Shaping by Bonnie Sue.” She’s always in a good mood as she encourages her audience to keep up an impossible aerobic pace. Bonnie Sue smiles and bounces and jiggles in the most unassuming manner.

After a careful review of 104 channels, I settle on The History Channel, The Travel Channel, Arts and Entertainment, or any program on The National Geographic Channel.

But what I really want to see is Bonnie Sue in white tights.