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Shut Up About Cthulhu
by Christopher Haygood

“I just don't understand what makes him so popular,” said the Loch Ness monster.

“Oh, I know. Is it his his wings? His tentacles? I have tentacles too, but you don't see me flaunting them around.” The Kraken sipped on his French-pressed coffee, and then sipped on his nine other French-pressed coffees. “And another thing: that book of his. The Necronomicon.”

“Oh, here we go.” Nessie bit into a scone.

“So it was a New York Times bestseller. Look into my face and tell me if I care. That was the dullest, most pretentious book I've ever read in my life. That 'even death may die' line everyone keeps repeating makes me want to puke. My comedy memoir, 'What's Kraken?' is a thousand times more entertaining, and your book … What was your book again?”

“Weight Loss for the Working Woman.”

“Right. Well, I'm sure it's a more effective weight loss guide than the Necronomicon at least. The point is, that guy doesn't deserve all the praise he gets. Get over him already.”

“Yeah. Seriously, everyone needs to shut the hell up about Cthulhu. He's not that cool.”


They sat quietly for a few minutes. The lunch rush was over and much of the coffee house's crowd had gone back to various underworlds, hallucinations, haunted houses and the like, but one man still sat alone on a nearby sofa, facing away from the Kraken and the Loch Ness monster, reading a coffee table book about Atlantis. Paul McCartney’s Silly Love Songs played on the speakers and The Kraken bobbed his head to it until halfway through, when that person finally stood up and revealed himself to be hundreds of feet tall and covered with scales. He turned around, and the two monsters froze when they saw the tentacles bedecking his face.

“Cthulhu,” said Nessie. “F-fancy meeting you here.”

“Hey guys,” said Cthulhu. “Nice weather, huh?”

“Yeah,” the others replied.

“After all this rain, it's refreshing to have a little sun.”

“Seriously,” said the Kraken, who had paled.

“Well, I'll see you later.” Cthulhu ambled loudly and violently out the door, and for a moment Nessie and the Kraken felt relieved he hadn't heard them gossiping about him. But then Cthulhu, after a period of indecision, reentered the venue and said, “You know, I've heard 'Release the Kraken!' so many times that it's given me brain damage. So you're a squid that's bigger than most squids. Great. I have you for a face. And you,” he said to Nessie, “at least I don't have gift shops selling my likeness on t-shirts and mouse pads, you sellout. Both of you go to hell. I didn't ask for my popularity.”

Cthulhu let the door swing shut, hopped into his Ferrari, placed his sunglasses on his face, and drove away to the city of R'lyeh. The Kraken and the Loch Ness monster sipped and nibbled in complete silence.

“Seriously,” said Odin, the coffee house manager.