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Memoir Complete, Time to Stand in Place
by Holly McDede

John gave me a hug, handed me a banana, and I knew right then and there that everything would be alright.

What a swell ending to my memoir! Hugs, bananas, fulfilment. Reviews will read: “If you're a good person, you'll like this book. If not, I don't know what to tell you.”

The original title for my memoir was “Life Ain't Too Good.” But it turned out life was pretty swell. The final title will now be “John's Hug.”

I drink a banana smoothie, miss my mouth, and banana goo splutters upon my keyboard. No worries! My memoir is finished, and I just need to ensure nothing significant happens.

Lalala. I check my death clock online. Forty-three years til' my  death. This is going to take awhile.

Someone knocks on my door. If I answer it, it might be someone important. They might say important things.

“Hey, it's John. Let me in.”

Sorrry John, no one is here. Trala. Lalala.

“Seriously, if you don't, they'll arrest me.”

I do not mention John getting arrested in my memoir, but I also do not mention John coming into my house to hide from the police.

I call my neighbors. I ask them to please let John enter their house momentarily.

“We're sorry,” my neighbor says. “But I just finished my memoir, 'Never Letting John Into Our House.'” .”

John is knocking harder now. “I gave you a banana. Didn't it mean anything to you?” John says. I am touched.

I call my other neighbors. “Of course we'll let John in!” Margaret chirps. “In fact, I was working on a memoir called 'Letting John In.' It's a romance!” Then she says, “Say, did you hear about the genocide committed in –.”

Shut up, Margaret! I will not allow genocides in my memoir! It would contradict the line, “I knew right then and there that everything would be alright.”

I tell John to go to Margaret's house. He does not know about the romance that will follow according to the plot outline in Margaret's memoir. Poor John.

Doing nothing is exhausting. How do all these other memoir writers do it? Good thing that author of 'A Million Little Pieces' got over his drug addiction by the end of the book. Otherwise, he would have just had to keep doing drugs forever to stay true to his memoir. Malcolm X, is a total scam. He never mentions in his autobiography that he was shot and killed.

I check my death clock again. No luck. Still forty three years left. Am I allowed to eat? Yes, I decide that I am. Memoir writers like Khrushchev and God never interrupt their memoirs to say, “Then I ate a sandwich.” Food, drinks, sleep, and bathrooms are welcomed. Food, drinks, bathroom, sleep.

I will switch the order around everyday to make life really interesting.