Janice and Honey
by Katie O'Brian-Robles
usually begins with a cup of coffee on the patio
and watching the sun come up over the hills to
the East. Yesterday was pretty much a duplicate
of our idyllic mornings with the one exception.
Janice Neimyer and her Golden Retriever Honey.
I need to back
track a little to give you a better idea of what
these apparitions look like. Janice is well
over 50, well overweight and no one has ever seen
her in anything but a blue chenille bathrobe..
she owns two pairs of shoes, Ugs for the winter,
Flip Flops for the summer. She is always seen
with the inevitable cigarette dangling from her
thin lips, a coffee cup which is slopping on to
the Chenille and Honey attached by a long lead
dragging poor Janice into an unflattering
But I digress..
back to yesterday. We had some workers over and
one of them had brought along his eighty pound
Pit Bull named Bentley. Bentley was sleeping
soundly in the bed of the truck until he got a
whiff of the comely Honey. He was in love (or a
close proximity to it). As he threw himself onto
the side of the truck, baying sweet nothings into
Honey's blonde ears, both Janice and the
retriever panicked. In a desperate attempt to
flee the amorous Bentley, Honey proceeded to
wind herself around poor Janice who was just
as desperate to keep the cigarette going, the
coffee cup full and the robe closed (did I fail
to mention the Janice enjoys au natural??) (oops
maybe I should have mentioned that in the
beginning). By now the long lead had made
numerous wraps around the legs of our hapless
tugged harder to escape, Janice began to
list perilously to port. There was no bets as to
whom would survive. Chicken lips sucked
harder at the smoldering cigarette, the coffee
was now a huge warm splotch on the faded chenille..
the sash of the robe had come completely untied
and was now in the mouth of Honey who thought it
just might make condolence gift to the frantic
Bentley, and most of Janice was now exposed to
the gathering hordes.
What to do?
Hose all three
of them down?
paramedics or the vets?
We opted for
another cup of coffee.