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Janice and Honey
by Katie O'Brian-Robles

Our day usually begins with a cup of coffee on the patio and watching the sun come up over the hills to the East. Yesterday was pretty much a duplicate of our idyllic mornings with the one exception. Janice Neimyer and her Golden Retriever Honey.

I need to back track a little to give you a better idea of what these apparitions look like. Janice is well over 50, well overweight and no one has ever seen her in anything but a blue chenille bathrobe.. she owns two pairs of shoes, Ugs for the winter, Flip Flops for the summer. She is always seen with the inevitable cigarette dangling from her thin lips, a coffee cup which is slopping on to the Chenille and Honey attached by a long lead dragging poor Janice into an unflattering trot.

But I digress.. back to yesterday. We had some workers over and one of them had brought along his eighty pound Pit Bull named Bentley. Bentley was sleeping soundly in the bed of the truck until he got a whiff of the comely Honey. He was in love (or a close proximity to it). As he threw himself onto the side of the truck, baying sweet nothings into Honey's blonde ears, both Janice and the retriever panicked. In a desperate attempt to flee the amorous Bentley, Honey proceeded to wind herself around poor Janice who was just as desperate to keep the cigarette going, the coffee cup full and the robe closed (did I fail to mention the Janice enjoys au natural??) (oops maybe I should have mentioned that in the beginning). By now the long lead had made numerous wraps around the legs of our hapless neighbor.

As Honey tugged harder to escape, Janice began to list perilously to port. There was no bets as to whom would survive. Chicken lips sucked harder at the smoldering cigarette, the coffee was now a huge warm splotch on the faded chenille.. the sash of the robe had come completely untied and was now in the mouth of Honey who thought it just might make condolence gift to the frantic Bentley, and most of Janice was now exposed to the gathering hordes.

What to do?

Hose all three of them down?

Call the paramedics or the vets?

We opted for another cup of coffee.