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James Franco, Underachiever
by Roz Warren and Janet Golden
(this story first appeared in The Funny Times)

“James Franco moved to New York to simultaneously attend graduate school at Columbia University’s MFA writing program, New York University’s Tisch School of the Arts for filmmaking and Brooklyn College for fiction writing, while occasionally commuting to North Carolina’s Warren Wilson College to study poetry. He received his MFA from Columbia in 2010. Franco is a PhD student in English at Yale University and will also attend the Rhode Island School of Design.” -- Wikipedia 


James Franco has enrolled in goat-herding school in Bhutan, saying “I stumbled upon the word “capriculturalist” while studying poetry at Yale and knew it was my destiny.“ At the same time, Franco has been commuting to the Johnson Space Center in Houston, Texas, as he completes his Ph. D. in Astrophysics from M.I.T. He is leading a team designing mathematical models for inter-galactic travel. In a recent interview, Franco disclosed that  his dissertation would not only “change the destiny of our planet” but would also become the subject of a major motion picture. 


James Franco has enrolled in a Souix City needlepoint course with the intention of creating the world’s largest wall hanging, a Mount Rushmore-sized portrait of Lady Gaga.  Rumors that Franco has matriculated in an advanced totem-carving course in Papua, New Guinea remain unconfirmed. However, sources report he has rented a hut in the compound of master carver Olwen Mtilipi and has been seen around town carrying a large knife. 


James Franco has confirmed that he has enrolled in the Tyler, Texas School of Beauty where he will major in Tipping and Frosting, with a minor in Beauty Mark Application. Meanwhile, the Japanese master who taught James Franco calligraphy with squid ink died today after a short illness. On his death bed, he referred to Franco as “my best pupil ever” which, coincidentally, is exactly what the lion-tamer who has been mentoring Franco in the circus ring at the Moscow State Circus has been saying about him.


After completing a residency in neurosurgery at Massachusetts General Hospital, James Franco accepted a three year post-doctoral position at the National Institutes of Health. “I’m all about brains,” he explained to The Daily Show host Jon Stewart in a recent interview, which is good because Franco will soon be starring in the upcoming four-part BBC series “Zombie Librarians from Outer Space.”


Returning from a two year sojourn at a base camp near the top of Mt. Everest where he studied Advanced Mountaineering, Techniques in Screaming for Help and Beginning Cannibalism, James Franco rededicated himself to the world of food science, enrolling in MacDonald’s famous “Hamburger University.” Asked about his future plans, he could only reply, “Would you like fries with that?” 

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