Gone With The
by Roz Warren
and Janet Golden
book reveals that nature documentaries are staged.
Shocked by such claims we went on location to
discover for ourselves the behind-the-scenes
manipulations and more.
Youll spot the wildebeest, freeze,
and then charge. Okay? And try to bring it down
on the left side, so its head is facing the
Whats my motivation?
Motivation? What motivation?
Youre a predator! You hunt. You kill. Take
that sucker down and rip it apart!
Im not that hungry, actually. I had a
Think about the thrill of the chase. The
capture. The blood. The drama! This is your shot,
need more than that.
Like instead of calling this African
Hunters, why not go with Lion: The
Greatest Hunter of All?
Weve gone over this. Its a
contractual matter. Its out of my hands.
need to call my agent.
Sorry to interrupt but the wildebeest
refuses to leave his trailer.
He says the hair people have ruined his
tufts and he wont come out unless
Talk to him.
I did. Between you and me, I think the
problem is that the lion got a full dye job and
God, I miss those penguins.
What is it?
My contract calls for seedless
Im not eating the stuff they put in
my trailer. I arrive on set ready to work and
what do I get? Watermelon with seeds! Would
Justin Beber endure this kind of incompetence?
Does Miley Cyrus have to beg to get a decent meal?
I dont think so.
Assistant: Seedless watermelon. Didnt
you read the damn contract? Make sure he gets it.
If those craft services people make one
more Dumbo joke I want them fired.
got it, baby.
Elephant: Can I speak with you a moment?
Sure, everybody else has.
Elephant: The big money shot is when I find
my baby in the middle of a Kalaharan desert,
right? So why arent I getting a producer
credit? The zebras told me the lion is getting a
credit and all he does is take down a fucking
wildebeest. Like going out and getting dinner is
such a big deal.
Those zebras are a bunch of assholes.
Ive had it with all of you! You signed the
contract and now youre whining like a damn
Elephant: Shout all you want. Just try
making this picture without me.
Ill do it. We can send the baby elephant
out to die in the storm. Well cut your part
entirely and you wont get a fucking dime in
Elephant: Okay okay, calm down. She
Assistant: Fire all the zebras.
lawyers on the phone. She says theres
nothing in the contract at all about titles.
Not my problem. Tell her to talk to the
Producer. I dont care what they call this
picture. They can call it Kvetching Lion,
Hidden Profits for all I care.
Bruce Willis wouldnt put up with this
kind of treatment.
Bruce is a pro. Bruce wouldnt need
motivation to shoot a lousy predation sequence.
Phone for you. (Hands phone to
Our people are on it. The title isnt
Great. Just get everyone off my back, okay?
What about some control at your end? Im
still hearing rumors about the wildebeest and
that crazy Thompsons gazelle. Werent
we going to close the set and keep that out of
the press? If the paparazzi get photos of the two
of them, this picture will be NC-17.
I wouldnt worry about it. They never
come out of the trailer.
God, I miss those penguins.
Lets try this again. Youll spot the
wildebeest, freeze, and then charge.
Lion: And my
motivation is --
motivation is if you screw up this shot, we
replace you with Tyler Perry and retitle
the film Medea and the Wildebeest.
Got it. Lets roll.
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