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God's Diary: The Early Bits
by Jeff Burton

Eternity past 1: Well, here I am.

Eternity past 2: This is rather boring.

Eternity past 3: Dull. Dull. Dull.

Eternity past 4: A hobby, that's what I need, a hobby. I'd collect stamps but I haven't created them yet.

Tuesday, half past three: I know, I'll make something, sort of a DIY project. I'll start next week. What's a 'week'? I'll have to make that first.

Sunday, beginning of time: Dawn is early, isn't it. I should have made it about half past ten, that's a more civilised time for it. Next time. Made matter and energy today. They made a satisfying sound when they exploded. I should read the instructions on the box.

Wednesday, beginning of time: I've been busy. I created fish and moons and jam and zebras and asteroids and newspapers and stars and toast and newts. Lots of stuff. Once you start, you can't stop, a new idea pops into your head and, bang, it's six legs, no legs, wings, four legs, eyes and teeth everywhere. I may need to send out for more pieces.

Friday, beginning of time: Worked in the garden all week. Frankly I'm sick of it. Got tired and did things in a hurry. Painted everything green. Who'll care? Back sore. I have blisters from weeding. I should have paid more for turf.

Saturday, beginning of time: Took up sculpting today. Break from the damn garden. Nice. He looked quite good. Forgot urinary tract and reproductive system. Had to stick it on the outside as an afterthought. Will create pants to cover up shoddy work. Too tired today. Fig leaves will do. Hands dirty.

Sunday, beginning of time: I'm buggered. Should have joined union. Slept in late. Mum brought breakfast in. She's sweet. Will take day off. I deserve it.

6000BC : Just had a look in. Christ, they've messed the place up! And there's so many of them! They are very hairy. Oh well, no harm done really. Shake the old etch-o-sketch and start again. I like the geography though. The mountains and valleys look quite nice. I'll keep them. Just get the exterminators in to fumigate the place. Damn. Can't come until next Thursday. I'll just cover the whole thing with water. That'll fix them. Well, except the ducks. And the fish. And the whales. And seagulls. And so on.

Talked to some old guy. Told him to build a boat. Delegate. You have to do it.

250BC: Just told some prophet to wear a radish on his head for twenty years to symbolise poor town planning. These nuts will do anything. Bit of a laugh really.