To Have With Your Husband Before You Die
by Roz Warren
and Janet Golden
first appeared in The
Do you and
your hubby have the same old arguments over and
over? Are you starting to think there might be
exciting new arguments you could be having
instead? Were here to help, with a list of
50 arguments to have with your husband before you
die. Theyve all been tested on actual
couples, with results ranging from weeks of icy
silence to incredible make-up sex.
Not to mention many productive hours of couples
therapy. Take them for a spin and see how much
conflict your marriage can withstand!
making decaf in the morning IS grounds for
Just because I
have no sense of direction doesnt mean
Im always wrong about how to get there.
grandfathers middle name is a stupid name
for a baby.
shalt not pay for parking is not a
WAS your idea; you didnt wear a condom.
amazing. When you mix whites and colors, you get
need a cell phone that plays 3-D movies and mixes
A Phillies T
shirt is not appropriate garb for a wedding
reception, even if you have to miss the game to
If the family
car is going to be a rolling lunchbox, could you
at least bring chips and pickles?
pasta is NOT gerbil food.
helping America save energy and so what if it
wakes you up?
dishwasher: yes, theres a right way and a
wrong way to do it. My way is right.
a great writer. Hemingway was a putz.
anchor cant hear you. Stop yelling at him.
drivers cant hear you. Stop cursing at them.
cant hear you. Stop threatening him.
If your mother
rearranges our living room furniture one more
time Im going to shoot her, stuff her and
put her on the wall.
No, the Doobie
Brothers records are definitely YOURS.
need a larger television. A gigantic screen is
not going to stop the Eagles from losing.
no such thing as too many cats.
Beer is not a
Dirty socks do
NOT enhance a rooms feng shui.
We could buy a
Ferari for what we paid having you do the taxes
instead of hiring an accountant.
Any trip that
includes your folks is not a vacation.
scientists agree that running a vacuum cleaner
does not deplete testosterone levels.
turn to get up when the baby cries. I dont
care if you cant produce any milk for her.
Why pay for a
gym membership when you can get plenty of
exercise mowing the lawn?
thermostat and die.
I swear the
litter box was clean when I left.
doesnt want me to walk him in the rain. The
dog wants you to walk him in the rain.
Any outfit I
look fabulous in is a bargain. End of story.
When the smoke
alarm battery gives a death bleep in the night it
is time for you to get up and fix it.
I correct your
grammar because I love you.
I kick you
when you start to snore because I adore you.
let you leave the house wearing that hideous
shirt because Im crazy about you.
good for the children to hear us argue. Unless
care how you feel about free parking. When
Im in labor you are going into the pay lot.
have to bring your disco outfit down from the
attic for old times sake -- you just have
to answer the door and give out the Halloween
this dress make my butt look big? is a
question with only one correct answer. And we
both know what it is.
take too long in the bathroom. Youre just
too lazy to go out back behind the tree.
is not a present for me. Its a present for
you. You still owe me a present. (And I
dont mean the family jewels.)
lottery is not a retirement plan.
As far as
Im concerned, leaving the toilet seat up is
your way of saying Weve been having
WAY too much sex lately.
too an art form.
a game. Theyre not losers. Theyre
millionaires. Stop crying.
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