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FAO 'Gnome Man'
by Rebecca L. Brown

Dear Neighbour,

Recently, I have noticed that your garden has become very full of gnomes. I was willing to overlook the occasional one or two (indeed, I myself am partial to the little colourful fellows if used in moderation) but surely now the situation has become excessive. This morning, I have counted at least six of the gaudy little figures. One was positioned in such a way that he was fishing in your ornamental pond (flagrantly disregarding the ’no fishing’ sign which would have been clearly visible to him - will the madness never cease?), another appeared to be frozen in what I can only describe as ’raucous laughter’. This display of wanton and lawless pleasure-seeking is entirely inappropriate for our respectable neighbourhood and I felt obliged to take some kind of action.

People have begun to travel from miles around to take photos of your gnomes; just yesterday, a small group of teenagers from as far as four miles away were squatting against my wall taking pictures on their mobile telephones. They quite ruined my herb garden with all of their trampling. I am concerned that if this continues, I will soon have the equivalent of the Glastonbury festival churning up my flowerbeds and wantonly knocking over my own tasteful figurines.

Surely you can understand that the situation is completely out of hand. Just the other day, I overheard a gentleman refer to you as the ‘Gnome Man’!

I attempted to talk to your wife regarding the situation but she seemed to believe that this was a joking matter. Indeed, I feel that she did not take my concern to heart at all! What next I ask; will your family be sporting gaudy, pointed hats and cotton wool beards?

If the situation does not improve, I will be left with no choice but to report your indecent behaviour to the police. I am sure that they, at least, will be able to take appropriate action to conclude this unfortunate situation.

I hope that you will come to your senses soon.