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Economy Class Syndrome
by Rebecca Burke

As I board the plane the familiar feelings of  gloom
Ten hours looming of misery and pure utter doom
I look for my seat is it row a, b or c?
When the hell will I be able to escape my seat to pee?
I look and fantasise at the two empty seats alongside
If no-one were to fill them I'd be in for a peaceful ride

Stumbling alog the row come two passengers of bland appearance
Interrupting my solitude with their bumbling interference
"Oh...14b and c I think this must be us."
Cramming overstuffed bags in the locker with exaggerated fuss
Arms raised and their sweaty pits - its been an already long day
Sat down not elbows touching, gangly legs in the way

I start to flick through the inflight magazine
Crappy aftershave and cheap looking watches - their prices obscene
Here comes the orange stewardess hair in a complicated bun
Pretending in her panstick face that her glorified waitressing job is fun
I order my orange juice which tastes nothing like it should
I'd knock myself out with neat vodka oh wouldn't that be good?

The inflight entertainment is a contradiction in kind
Banal kids' movies drive me out of my mind
Pre-recorded radio programmes on cheap naff headphones
Mind you more exciting than the captain's lethargic drons
In blocked up nose he informs me of excessive flying time
Making me feel murderous and wishing to commit crime

Squashed up against the windows all I can see is fluffy white.
Whoever said the views were good up here was talking lots of shite
I get up to the toilet clambering over my neighbour, face full of shame
Feeling like my need for a leak is something for which I am to blame
Swaying up the aisles can't the sodding captain fly straight?
Christ there's a queue, still it's not like I'm going to be late

In the toilet now nearly sucked in when I pull the chain
At least dinner will be served soon surely a reason to stay sane
Ah, here's the food I take it and nearly hiss
Once again the airline seems to be gleefully taking the piss
Scary looking peas and some fossilized meat
Compost heap salad and pudding thats far from sweet

Surely now the journey is at least halfway through
You're kidding only 2 hours have passed -do not know what to do!
Maybe if I lie back close my eyes, escape this farce
Then a little cherub behind kicks his Adidas at my arse
Screaming babies that won't remember the holiday from Adam
Hostesses blankly smiling at them their faces like made up madams

Finally descending the stairs joy once again found
I've escaped this nightmare feeling safe and sound
Two weeks lie ahead of sunshine and sand
The sun beams on me peace and love abound
Then it hits me like a sharp sudden pain
In two weeks time I've got to go through this crap again!